...one happiness...

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.
- George Sand -

Yes, I'm still having chest pains. But, I guess not any worse than what I have been... it's just about the same today as yesterday. I am to the point of exhaustion I think, yet I keep going. I have been so sleepy all day and now I'm wired! Last night was horrible- I was reading as usual and then laid down to sleep and it was sometime after midnight and I dozed off, but kept waking up every 30 min- 1 hour and hardly got any sleep at all. I was getting frustrated and thought about just getting up and staying up, but I knew I needed any rest I could get.
My friend and I had some heart to heart talks today. I have really been thinking about things, even more than I was. Dying. Death. Heaven. I have lost many over the years, but never been impacted like I have this time. I know that I and most others can only imagine and speculate and interpret God's word and not really, really know until it is our time. I still have lots of questions and curiosity. I'm glad I'm not the only one, too. I had to fight back tears so much today and I'm sure it was obvious when I had to pause when I was trying to share certain things so that I wouldn't fall apart. I really don't feel healthy enough to lose it right now and am in a way afraid of what might happen to me if I do. The pain seriously may be more than I can handle...
I was reading back over e-mails I sent out and I thought I'd share this one at this point:

Friday, September 26, 2008 10:28 am
Cody has a big day ahead of him today. I just got off the phone with the nurse. I left him this morning at 6:30 for shift change. His mother should be there any time. Then, I am going back this afternoon. Cody is going to have a CT Scan of his brain, chest and abdomen. Last night his heart did something really funky that it had never done before and there was a term, but I can't think of it. He was doing great, we were talking and he wasn't upset or anything and his heart rate went from 60-something up to 170-something and then stayed crazy for a couple seconds. They are going to ultrasound his heart as well. Cody is off the vent. He was on an oxygen mask at first, but is down the the nasal one. He is physically so much better than he was. Praise God! Emotionally though, he is not doing well at all. Now that he is "better", he is trying to grasp everything all at once and it is so much to bear. Please keep on praying for Cody. He needs so much strength! He is so scared. The Dr did say that his white blood cell count is going up. That is a positive thing. Hopefully soon Cody's own immune system will kick in. As far as Cody staying in CCU and the next round of chemo starting, all depends on his lab work. They are drawing already several labs today. He can drink and he can have solid food again. His vision is very blurry. And, he is having tremors. Cody has lost most of his hair. We're debating just going on and cutting it. It's up to him. I think it would be easier, because he just keeps pulling it out by the globs and it just is falling out and going everywhere and it is hard for him to deal with. I left a list of several questions for the Dr. I think he just hit on some of them, but I will get my answers sometime. These results will help determine a lot. Cody cries, very much. He wants to come home. He says he misses the kids, he misses being able to hold me. He is depressed. And, they started him a few days ago on a depression med, but it can take 2 weeks to take effect. I talked to Cody on the phone before I talked to the nurse and he was so scared and upset and I had a very special prayer with him. He calmed down. Plus, this nurse he has today, Melody, Praise God for her. I think she is a guardian angel. Today is my dad's b-day, so we are hoping the 3 of us can spend some time together later this afternoon. But, right now, as always, Cody needs continuous prayers. Physical therapy people came by yesterday. He got to sit in a chair for about 45 min or so. But, he is too weak. He can't walk, even with a walker. It's going to take some time. Although, he was arm wrestling me last night and can still beat me I know I don't always have "good" news to share with everyone, but there are always blessings every day and there is always good in there with the "not-so-good". That's just the way life is in general. And, no matter how hard we have to look to find the good or to be thankful for any and all blessings, that's what we must do. Every day I have with Cody is a blessing. Such a blessing! I can't thank God enough for him being in my life!

Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us.

Marianne Williamson

Cody,
I don't even know what to do- about anything. I wish you were here. I wish I could talk to you. I wish you could tell me ... I wish you were just here living our lives like we thought and helping me raise Zane and Kadee and all that comes along with marriage and family and love! As much as I have been in pain and even though I know you're gone, you're dead, you're not coming back- it's like reality is just setting in more and more recently. I am lost, so lost. I just thought I was confused and now I'm even more confused. I am so bummed- in this funk that I can't seem to get out of. I miss you. I miss you so much! I feel like I'm going crazy half the time. There are some special dates coming up... too soon for me... and I don't know what to do about all that yet. I just want to run away! Escape! I may have to do that. I think I will. It may be something that I just have to do. This is torture. I am suffering. There is this huge emptiness inside of me. People keep telling me how we were soul mates and I think some are claiming that who used to not believe in that idea. (now they are hoping for theirs) I don't want to not be thankful because I am. I am so thankful. I always was. I always will be. I guess it's just so hard to come to grips with the fact that after all you went through in September and how much healthier you were this time and that we planned on you coming home and had things to look forward to, that what went wrong, did and how fast it all happened... it was all so totally unexpected, by everyone. I still have so much to deal with from September and now losing you... it is so much to bear. I know I can work through this, I have to because I want to remember and focus on all of the good times- all of our years together. In the grand scheme of our relationship, this whole "thing" was like a really bad month and a half. I know to many it was ever since September, but those around us and with us know so differently. You were you. What a blessing that was! Those were some of the best times of your life!!! You got to do things that you love! We got to spend time together that we never would have. I believe God gave us these special life gifts. Part of that makes this so much harder, just because you were you again and it's like our life was back to "normal", a new kind of normal, and bam! Complete devastation! I hate it for you just because you were so much more aware this time of everything- you were scared, you were nervous, you were uneasy... who wouldn't be? But, I know that all of that doesn't matter now. It's all over for you. It's just that it's so hard for me. I have so much to work through... I know it will take time, a long time and a part of me will always grieve. You will always be a part of my life. In a big way, you helped me become who I am so anyone who loves me, who cares about me, owes you thanks. I just don't know how to keep living without you. It's the hardest thing I've ever done and I don't have much choice- I have to, for the kids- I have to for you- I didn't have a say in this, I am just doing the best I can with what I've been given... You are always, always, always in my heart and on my mind....
1-2-3-4,
Fi


Love can make you do things that you never thought possible.

Phil Collins

The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.

Victor Hugo

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.

Aristotle

Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.

Emily Bronte

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

Robert Heinlein

The heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of.

Blaise Pascal

Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that.

Michael Leunig

We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.

W. Somerset Maugham

Love, you know, seeks to make happy rather than to be happy.

Ralph Connor

In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.

Janos Arany