Similarities

"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.... The Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him." Isaiah 30: 15, 18 NIV

When you get the chance, please check out: www.kidsunitetofight.com

I was gone from Friday evening to Saturday night to Little Rock to be with my friend and her son. I'm so glad I was able to be there! I love them!

I spoke with another friend today and him, his wife and son are coming and we'll be going for a little trip together next week! I'm looking forward to that.

Today a friend came by and we had a nice visit. I am beyond thankful for what her and her husband have done. Not just today, but everything! Thank you isn't nearly enough! If not for their very generous donation to me for Cody's headstone, I would have had to try to come up with another way... I am so touched and I know what something like this would have meant to Cody. From the very bottom of my heart (again)- "thank you".

I have got to get the rest of the fliers up this week! I know that the forecast isn't looking the greatest, but it's a blood mobile, so we'll be covered, no matter what the weather- please still come out! I'll be there the whole entire time!!!

BLOOD DRIVE
IN LOVING MEMORY OF CODY
SATURDAY MAY 9TH
11 AM- 3 PM
COMMUNITY BLOOD CENTER
WAL-MART PARKING LOT
SILOAM SPRINGS, AR

I found many cards and some notes between Cody and I on Thursday. There were many tears and smiles as I looked over them. I will share some of them another time. I was talking to a friend over the phone yesterday and realized how much "September" still affects me. I don't talk about it much. I'm glad I was able to go "back there" even just for a bit because I'm sure that helps me to work through it. I know I have so much to work through.

When I was going through all of these cards and notes and things, I found a card to me from someone's life I touched when I was only in high school and actually turning to her for help. She wrote this to me about 8 years ago.

Dear Melissa,
I usually don't send cards- but I wanted to take the opportunity to share my thoughts and feelings with you. In the past year, I have seen you grow and change so much. You are possibly one of the most insightful human beings I've ever had the honor of knowing. You have been such a blessing in my life. Your warmth and sensitivity, not to mention your sense of humor, give you a maturity that far surpasses your age. As you go through life and its inevitable struggles, remember these are gifts and that they are yours to use in service to others and most importantly to Him that bestowed them.
Love, D

Cody,
See that- someone else thought I had such a great sense of humor about as much as I brag on yours. I guess that's why we laughed so much! We both could make fools of ourselves, be completely comfortable in our own skin and free! We could be silly and crazy and make fun not only of each other, but laugh at ourselves. I miss having so much fun with you. You were one of the most carefree people I have ever met. I was able to be more that way because of you, especially in our "younger days". I miss that. Maybe I can rediscover some of the many things you have taught me along the way- that you were such an example of.
You were so brave. I hope that when life gives me the worst of the worst, that I can face it with such integrity as you did. Something else we both have in common- stubborn! I was talking to mom about that the other day and said that Zane and Kadee are doomed! : ) The oncologist thought you had poor judgement that day you had escaped the hospital, but I knew it was sheer determination! We obviously were oblivious to what was going to happen and I'm glad we were. If we had known, the whole atmosphere would have been different. You were giving it your all... until you could no longer... until you had no more to give.
I was sharing today some of what I said to you during those last hours. When I think back to it, it feels like it went by so fast, even though it was hours I was right there by your side! I know I like to talk, but I have never poured myself out like that before, like I did in those moments with you. I have to believe that you were aware and you heard everything that I said to you. I really think that you did. I think you knew how surrounded with love you were! We've also both been said to have strong wills. In so many ways, we were so alike! I know we had our differences, but wow- were we alike! I did for you what I know you would have done for me.
I have found so many cards and letters between us- some really amazing stuff. We really grew and changed in our friendship and in our marriage. We talked about "growing up" together because we were so young when we got married and of course, we talked about "growing old" together. It's so neat to see looking at it now, how much we did in such a short time. I've talked to people who have had many years together, more than us, who are still caught up in certain things or still dealing with certain issues that we were able to hit head on, early on and work through and change.
I'm so glad that I got your headstone designed. I just can't wait to see the preview! I think it will be really, really nice. It will take a long time, but will be worth it.
I think that things are bothering me more than I realize and maybe subconsciously or whatever because when I was gone to Little Rock some of my "anxiety" was better, but once we got closer to being here... seemed to become more evident again. I think that maybe being here in the house does bother me more than I realize. I don't really know. The chest pains never quit while I was gone, but they weren't as bad as they have been since I've been back. I think of you everywhere I am and I talk about you, but being around here... we have so many memories! It's more overwhelming because of the visual and remembering and many sensations that come along with all of that. This whole area- you are everywhere I turn...
Kadee has said, da-da. She said ma-ma first. I guess that's only fair since Zane said da-da, daddy, and all that long time before he ever ever said mama, mommy. I had to wait forever to hear those words from him! Kadee still recognizes you in that video and is thrilled to see you every time. Zane sees you there and in pictures and I know that certain things make him think of you. We all miss you so much. Nothing is the same and I know it won't ever be and that is hard to accept. It's hard to think or imagine "the future." I will always love you. That's just the way it is. I will never forget you or any of our memories and the kids are going to know all about that. They'll know all about you and about us. Most came to know who we really were because we were who we were because of each other. People who knew us before each other, didn't really get to know us, did they? I know it hurts people when I come around and you are not there. We were always with each other. I mean, we had our dentist appointments and stuff together, lol. We were by each other's side in so many ways. Even talking to a guy who didn't even know you or I, knows that most couldn't say one of our names without the other- it was "Cody and Melissa" or "Melissa and Cody" which was so true! Most don't feel like I am "single." I don't. I wouldn't know how to answer, Are you married? So I decided I guess I will just have to say, widowed. What a horrible word!
It is now getting closer and closer to 11:00 and on "that Sunday" things were so intense! In some ways, it's like it just happened. I mean, I can remember it all too well. And, in other ways, it feels like so long, too long, since I have touched you, heard you, seen you... This kills me inside, it does. And, I feel like that's why I'm having these pains. My heart is broken and these are the physical effects from it. I'm having chest pains because my heart hurts because it is shattered because of losing you, the love of my life!
Back to the notes and cards, you doodled on my stuff about as much as I did yours. You were such a girl sometimes, lol. I can see you giving me that "look" right now. Oh, what I would give. You embraced life and I know you would want me to do the same, it's just so hard to do much of anything without you. You were always so confident when you said that I was the only one for you and the only one you'd ever love and of how much you loved me and all that serious stuff we'd talk about and stuff you'd say... I shared that it's like in some way, you knew. You just knew. I can't explain it, but I think about so much now and wonder.
I'm diving into the Bible and studying and trying to figure some stuff out. I am so curious about so much. I have to draw close to God to get through this. He is my only hope and the only way. You and I- we were meant to be together. We had hoped and dreamed for all of our lives, long lives, but for whatever, whyever, it just wasn't to be. You were a rare find and I am sharing our lives with people and wanting to do all that I can in your memory to make any kind of a difference- to make a positive impact on this falling apart world.
Missing you, loving you... forever.
Fi