Grieving...

For those of you who have expressed concern, thank you. I'm still not sure if this is just anxiety related issues... ulcer?... or what? but if things persist, I will go to the Dr. They advise you to go like 3 months after a loss, but it was suggested due to everything, I may need to go sooner rather than later. The chest pains have not been as bad today...
I would like for you all to please go visit:
www.hannahshopefoundation.org
Also, I have read 2 books recently.
1. A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser
2. The Shack by WM. Paul Young
I HIGHLY recommend both!
And, for those of you who are grieving, you can sign up for daily e-mails from www.griefshare.com Those have helped me as well.
Here is a list of the books that I have and am going to read, so if any of you recommend any for me to read first over the others, let me know.
1. How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies by Therese A. Rando, Ph.D.
2. Good Grief by Granger E. Westberg
3. The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman
4. Where is God When It Hurts? by Philip Yancey
5. Widow to Widow by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg, M.S.
6. Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
7. Perfecting Your Purpose by David D. Ireland, Ph.D.
These are ones I still have yet to get:
1. Reframe Your Life: Transforming Your Pain Into Purpose by Stephen Arterburn
2. The Wind That Destroys and Heals: Trusting the God of Sorrow and Joy by Stephen Broyles
3. A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis
4. Don't Take My Grief Away From Me by Doug Manning
5. Journey Through Grief by Robert Williams
6. Moments For Those Who Have Lost a Loved One by Lois Mowday Rabey
7. Empty Chair: Handling Grief on Holidays and Special Occassions by Susan J. Zoonebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. DeVries
Currently I am reading, So You Don't Want To Go To Church Anymore by Wayne Jacobsen and Dave Coleman and even though I am not far into it yet, I would definitely recommend it! I'll try to pass on the others that I think is worth the read.
My friend and I walked yesterday first of all, to the Dogwood Festival from here and then through all of it and then back here, up the hill. Wow! Did we get a work out or what! Then, I met the same friend today at the park and we walked and walked all around town and then back to the park, all over the park... It was so nice. We may end up sore, but it will be worth it!
Some days I feel the power of prayers and I can pray and study and all of that and be confident and certain... and some days, I am totally lost, confused, and just lost and confused and not so certain really of anything. For the most part and as far as others are concerned about me, I am doing ok. I appear ok. I guess most of the time, I am... "ok." though not really. You know? I mean.... it's like I'm going through some of the darkest times of my life. The lowest of the low. Of course I am functioning, I have to. It's not like I have much choice. And just now I flipped through the calendar that was given to Cody back in September to a verse that says: "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12 NIV I do believe!
I'm going to be getting my hands on some fliers probably tomorrow, so hopefully they can get out this week and I know there are already some around the Fayetteville area. Please pass the word about the blood drive! We hope for there to be a really good turn out! It is so important. You are literally saving people's lives!
If I have time and am able, I'm going to stop by and talk more about the headstone for Cody tomorrow. I have an idea in mind, but need to talk it over and get some feedback, prices, etc and then go from there.

Symptoms of Grief (www.griefwatch.com)

Physical
1. Hyperactive or under active
2. Feelings of unreality
3. Physical distress such as chest pains, abdominal pains, headaches, nausea
4. Change in appetite
5. Weight change
6. Fatigue
7. Sleeping problems
8. Restlessness
9. Crying and sighing
10. Feelings of emptiness
11. Shortness of breath
12. Tightness in the throat

Emotional
1. Numbness
2. Sadness
3. Anger
4. Fear
5. Relief
6. Irritability
7. Guilt
8. Loneliness
9. Longing
10. Anxiety
11. Meaninglessness
12. Apathy
13. Vulnerability
14. Abandonment

Social
1. Overly sensitive
2. Dependent
3. Withdrawn
4. Avoid others
5. Lack of initiative
6. Lack of interest

Behavioral
1. Forgetfulness
2. Searching for the deceased
3. Slowed thinking
4. Dreams of the deceased
5. Sense the loved one’s presence
6. Wandering aimlessly
7. Trying not to talk about loss in order to help others feel comfortable around them
8. Needing to retell the story of the loved one’s death

Help through Grief
1. Be patient with yourself. Do not compare yourself to others. Go through mourning at your own pace.
2. Admit you are hurting and go with the pain
3. Apply cold or heat to your body, whichever feels best.
4. Ask for and accept help.
5. Talk to others
6. Face the loss
7. Stop asking “Why?” and ask “What will I do now?”
8. Recognize that a bad day does not mean that all is lost.
9. Rest.
10. Exercise.
11. Keep to a routine.
12. Introduce pleasant changes into your life.
13. Know that you will survive.
14. Take care of something alive, such as a plant or a pet
15. Schedule activities to help yourself get through weekends and holidays.
16. Find someone who needs your help.
17. Accept your feelings as part of the normal grief reaction.
18. Postpone major decisions whenever possible
19. Do something you enjoy doing.
20. Write in a journal.
21. Be around people.
22. Schedule time alone.
23. Do not overdo.
24. Eat regularly.

So, in my other entry when I talked about being depressed and not denying it... well, the more I talked to others and have researched and thought about it, I am grieving! It is as simple and as complicated as that...

When you have about 30-35 minutes and seriously take the time, go to: http://www.cornerstoneumcwat.com/recent_sermons.html and click on April 19 "Amazing Grace" where Aaron Ruotsala, Cole's dad, was the guest speaker that day... You will be touched!

Cody,
I miss you so much! I was driving home last night and couldn't stop from thinking about you... I was remembering our many drives home at night in the dark... and of course, Zane and Kadee were both asleep and the passenger seat was empty where you would've been or I would've had you been driving, although usually you were too tired by then, so I was always behind the wheel... Anyway, like tons of flashbacks started happening and little bits and pieces of visuals and conversations we had, etc. I about lost it, but held it together because I really didn't want to be upset, while driving and in the dark. I sit here looking at the picture of us now and my heart just is filled with pain. I have not been well ever since Friday evening. I don't know what all is going on with me, but I hope it gets better. I know that it is an awful way to feel. I went out to the cemetery again today. It's hard to explain really in what happens... I don't have to go there, it's not something I need... I know that your body was laid to rest there in that spot, but that is all. I know your soul is not there and that I can be closest to you, wherever I am. I carry you in my heart and I see you in the kids and I can write to you, talk to you, whatever, wherever I am and in fact, I feel closest to you in places where you loved to be and usually were. That is what helps keep your memory alive for me. I do go there and find some comfort, but it's so different than it used to be for me when I have lost others. Losing you has changed everything for me. Everything. Dad just carried me in a little while ago some fish and fries and hot links... part of me cringes when little things like this happen and you are not here. Things that remind me of you or we have so many memories of, where I can just see your face, hear your voice, know what you would think, feel, say... the expression you would have... etc. You are engraved in my mind. I love you. This world is not the same without you in it. I just don't understand. I just don't. If I allowed myself right now, I would absolutely fall apart. I am so close... But, I am having so many other issues, I am afraid to. Or maybe I'm having these other issues because of my pain. That's really what I think. This grief is taking its toll on my body. I expressed concern twice this week if people can actually go crazy. Not just think and feel like they are, like is normal in grief, but actually go over the edge, lose it, crack! I was told, yes. That is what I expected the answer to be. I have been so surprised that I have not been really ill due to my immune system being shot, but I was told about me having a strong will. That's what I was told about you, which was true, which is true I believe about myself, even though using the word "strong" to describe me to me just seems like, shouldn't be used in the same sentence. I know in so many people's eyes I am so strong, but I feel so weak. I guess feeling and being can be different. I don't know. What I do know is that I miss you terribly and love you more than words. I have never felt such a pain as this, just something else that goes along with our love....
I love you! 1-2-3-4!
Fi