Power of Love

Cody,
I am continually missing you so much! Yesterday I stayed busy, but still felt the pain just right there and once evening came, it all came out again. Little Kadee has been sick. She had a reaction from her shots, but got over that, but then has something else. Its been rough. I got her in bed and then Zane wanted to watch the DVD of you, so we did. He laid down in the floor with his blanky, so I went and laid down by him and he snuggled up next to me and we watched it. That DVD plays so much and honestly, sometimes I have to tune part of it out. I can't watch it all at once. I can't watch it over and over and over as sometimes Zane insists on. So, as we were watching it, he would look at you, then look at me and I started to smile and said, look Zane- there's you and Daddy and he said, daddy daddy... Then, as I watched and remembered and thought of how close you and him were and how much he must miss you, too... my heart started breaking all over again. Then, as usual, when the video was over and how it ends on our family picture... I just have such a hard time realizing that's it. The video ends as our life did. That is always so hard for me.... I held it together and asked Zane if he was ready for night-night and he was, so I followed him into his room and he wanted me to pick him up, so I gave him big hugs and then I laid him down in his little bed and I kissed him many, many times for you and for me and the tears started building up and I can't do this much, but I told him, Goodnight little Bubby and walked away. Once I got out of the door and far enough away that he wouldn't hear me, I lost it! I mean, I lost it, bad. The intense pain that my heart feels, that then my body can't handle, then I am trembling and sobbing and trying to breathe and then I started gagging like I was going to get sick and then I guess I tried to fight it off because it was so intense so I guess I was holding my breathe in a way and I started seeing white speckles in my vision, like floaters and I had to breathe and feel it or I thought I might pass out. Of course I got on the phone... I had text a friend who I had talked to earlier and was supposed to pick back up where we left off later, but I was in no good way. When she called, I didn't even want to answer or think I could, but I did because I knew she would be worried about me if I didn't, but she was even probably more worried about me once she heard me and started talking to me. This is a pain that when you completely feel it, you don't feel like you can live. After over an hour, I got calmed down and more stable... We talked about you. I talked about you and us through all of my pain and tears and then talked about you more while the tears had subsided.
Yesterday I was told that our love was/is very "impressive!" Also, that talking to me is almost like talking to a "newlywed." You know... it's like when I talk about you, our love radiates all around me and to the person or people I am talking to and they can see it, feel it, almost grasp it! I am still in love with you. I love you. It's amazing how you can still make me smile and you're not even here anymore. I miss you. I miss all of the little things. We had so many secret codes and kind of our own language and I miss all that. We knew each other so well. I hear or see something and think of you and know that if you were here, you would be looking at me smiling and we would know what each other was thinking. That's so hard now to do that and not have you. As I shared with some friends, we shared all. Sometimes people don't really know each other. Most people are still guarded in some way, even in just the smallest way. Some people hold onto little secrets or sometimes just aren't completely true and real to themselves and if they can't be to themselves then they for sure can't be to or with another. We weren't like that. All was exposed. We loved each other despite all of our individual faults and maybe even more so because of them.
Zane got his hair cut yesterday. That was hard to do without you here. He looks like such a big boy... he is getting to be such a big boy. You should hear him yell, Buddy, Buddy! He likes to run to the door and help me get their attention. He can't say Precious yet, but he tries. Kadee misses you. She misses you holding her as much as Zane and I miss you holding us, too. Sometimes it's like any of us just can't make it right for her and I know it's because who she wants is you. I'm sure she misses your voice, too. Its been so long since she's heard it. Plus, you always had your special thing you did with her when you would get her up. I have been trying to do that still for you.
We all miss you. Not just us, but ALL of us! I have been praying that this blood drive in your honor will be a big success! It's so important. And, I'm wanting to donate platelets as soon as I can find out more about all of that. I think I know enough, it's just arranging to be able to do so and someone help with the kids, because it sounds like I may be needing quite a bit of rest once I would get done. And, I have plenty of help with the kids and offers, so I guess I just need to go do it. I might wait until after the blood drive is over.
Last week when I went to my counseling session and just got sit down in the waiting room, My Heart Will Go On came on. I was able to sit there and listen to the entire song. It was kind of crazy because not long after it was over, it was my turn to go back. Last night, I had a dream of me and you. It was a good dream. This is the second good dream I have had. The one before this one, we were out in a beautiful area trying to find a place we wanted to live. What was crazy about that was I hadn't shared it with anyone and the day after that dream, dad was asking me about if I were to move, if I knew where I would want to go. The dream last night, we were in a beautiful place again and in maybe your truck... but we were getting it all blasted so it could be painted, but we had to drive through this weird tunnel thing and you had already done it once before so you were prepared, but I was driving and had no clue, so you would warn me as things were coming up, what was going to happen... We laughed and smiled a lot. It was good times. Of course, just dreams, but I'll take what I can get. I'm sure I had that dream about your truck just because that was the last big project you were working on and because it is being worked on and we are going to finish it all for you, just as I told you that we would.
I love you Cody. I miss you. I don't know how to be now, so I just am what I am in any given moment. I know that we're changing people's lives! All I ever wanted was to just touch one... to just mean, really mean something and make a difference to just one person in my life and I would be content... I knew that I did that for you and with you and that if I were to die, I would die feeling like I had accomplished all I ever truly wanted. I realized so much in and after September. But, now... to hear and see all of these other lives being affected... being touched... I just can't believe it! I am so happy for it. I only ever truly wanted to make a difference to one and I did to you and because of making the impact on your life that I did... that we made on each others lives.... we're now touching more than we could have ever imagined. The power of our love is indescribable!
Keeping your memory alive.
I love you more than words,
"Fi"

Here are a couple of messages I received just yesterday:

I didn't know Cody as well as his family and very close friends. But I did come to know and understand the man he was over the last few years. Melissa and I met when she started working at Decatur State Bank. I have so many memories of the fun times (and not so fun!) that we shared working together. But I also remember a lot of good times we had outside of the bank.....many of which included Cody. Birthday parties, going out to eat, stopping by each others' houses for visits, coming to see each others' children after they were born. All of those things bring back special memories of Cody!
He's always been such a "people" person....such a "child" person. Kids were just drawn to him like magnets. I can't decide if it was because he was such a tall guy....if that drew their attention? Or was it because he immediately started talking to a child, trying to be on their level? (Which eventually ended up with him playing on the floor with their toys!) He was always talking with and teasing Ross. Ross loved him SO much! And the first time Cody held Abri, when we stopped by your house that afternoon....I remember him asking if he could hold her (which, of course, I let him!). He scooped her into his arms and kept commenting on how long she was. And then she started crying and Cody was like "Oh no! Here, go back to your mom!". He was so tender-hearted, just like a big teddy bear. And always ready to lend a hand to whoever needed it. Definitely an angel placed on Earth to show love and kindness. I thank God that I had the opportunity to know him, and I can't wait to see him again!

Melissa,
I know that you do not know me from any one in the world. I have followed your story on Coles foundation, and have read your blogs and I just wanted to say that I truly admire you and your strength. Even though you do not feel it, you are an inspiration to others, even strangers like myself. By reading your writings and others that have struggled through truly devastating events like you have been through, you have never questioned God, or his purpose. You have shown me that my trials and worries are very very small compared to what you have had to go through, and that you never lose your courage or faith.Thank you for sharing this with a stranger like myself. You have strengthened my faith in God, and what he can do when you truly put it in his hands.
I will continue to pray for peace for you. I know that you will never be the same from the loss you have suffered, but you have made my life and faith stronger.
Thank you. If there is ever a way that I can help you please let me know. I know that we are distants apart, but I do think of you daily and pray for the peace you are looking for.

My Heart Will Go On- Celine Dion

Every night in my dreams
I see you. I feel you.
That is how I know you go on.

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on.

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never go till we're gone

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

There is some love that will not go away

You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on