7 months ago

Well, as I sit here this morning, even though I have shared it before, I'm going to post what I sent out exactly 7 months ago today.

Hello everyone,
I am at home for just a bit. I want to try to catch everyone up to the latest. A few days ago, Cody had a chest tube put it to try to drain the fluid off of his left lung. They got some, but was very disappointed. It did not do what they wanted or needed it to do. That tube is probably coming out today because yesterday and the night before, it never drained anymore. This could be a big deal. He started dialysis 2 days ago. The first treatment did nothing. We will know the results today of the treatment yesterday. The kidney dialysis will only pull fluid out of the blood vessels, not tissue or directly of the lungs or anywhere else, only the blood vessels. So, what they are trying to do is pull what they can from his vessels and signal the brain that he is dehydrated so then other fluid will be released into the vessels and they can continue to pull it off that way. His treatment yesterday was 3 1/2 hours and he will have one again today. The ventilator was put in 3 days ago. I found out that he had really fought it and that was so hard for me to know. It's a big communication barrier, especially with Cody being dyslexic on top of that, but we are doing ok. (Me with him, much better than anyone else.) They first had the vent put on 90%, but yesterday the decreased it to 75%. We shall see how today goes, but he is doing fine with it, better in fact. But, of course, we only want it in for a short period of time. Dialysis could go on for weeks. It's just a day to day with that. Cody tickled us yesterday because he requested a Sonic Route 44 drink. I told him I would give nothing more that to get that for him, but he would just have to wait awhile and that whenever he gets out of there, he can have anything and everything he wants! Oh, how his eyes twinkled and he put his hand out firm and I said, oh you want to shake on it and he shook his head yes, and I took his hand and our eyes met and held and said it's a deal! Then, I said, oh my... I don't know what I just got myself into. : ) Cody has had a few moments over the past few days. His first moment was that he was looking somewhere and he said something to the effect that I don't want to go, I don't want to go, please let me stay, just let me stay. Yesterday was hard because he was so sick and so tired and he was looking straight up, way past the ceiling and I said, God? He shook his head yes and he kept pointing upward and I said heaven? and he shook his head yes and then he laid his arms down with his hands palms upward and just almost fell more into the bed. It seemed like he was saying, just take me. But, some of these little moments we just don't know for sure. Hard to see though. It could be so many things. But, I will tell you this, as I've told Cody, even as weak as he may seem to be and realizes that he is, that in my eyes he is one of the strongest people that I know. And, I must say that IF the leukemia were to win, it will not be because Cody ever gave up. He is fighting for his life every second! I've only had 2 mere moments when I realized it was a possibility that I could lose him, but only twice for mere seconds and then I go to praying and thinking and have a peace about me, just knowing that Cody can pull through this. I feel that he will. I know God is carrying him at this point just as I told Cody He would, because I knew it would be hard, but not this hard, but I told Cody early on that when he got so weak and when he couldn't do much or do anything and didn't know what else to do, that would be when God would carry him, as He is doing right at this very moment. Night before last, I prayed so hard and I tried to raise Cody's name up to God, if it was even possible to raise it any higher than it already is, but I prayed and pleaded for his life. I felt guilty last night, thinking about my prayer, thinking maybe I was praying the wrong way, but I just had to tell God even though he already knows, but I had to say it out loud, how much I love Cody and need Cody and how much Zane and Kadee need their daddy. I prayed for a miracle. I pray it be God's will to do so! Everyone is amazed at my strength and how "well" I am doing, but let me tell you, it is only due to God. He is my strength. And, in works with God, is my love for Cody. I had told Cody a while back not long after he was first in the hospital that when we had watched The Notebook on TV, when I had seen the previews for it going to be on, I said, oh Cody, the best love story ever! Well, in his hospital room, I said Cody, remember when we just watched The Notebook on TV and I told you it was the best love story? He said, yeah. I said, well, I'm sorry, but I lied to you. I said, I was wrong. He looked at me so puzzled, and I told him that The Notebook wasn't the greatest love story, that ours is. And, that's exactly how I feel. I will never give up on Cody. I will never give up on our love and our life together and our family. When a few days ago, Cody was having trouble breathing and he had on the oxygen mask and he looked dead into my eyes with desperation and said, help me breathe, help me breathe- he pleaded. I in that moment told him that I would give him my air if I could do so. I have told him I wish I could take some of this from him. I wish I could go through it for him. I told him that again last night and he doesn't want for me to. He knows that I would do it, just as I had offered that if he did lose his hair from chemo and if it bothered him then I would just shave my head, too. He looked at me like I was crazy and told me NO! (lol!) He knew that I would do it and apparently he doesn't want me to go to that extreme : ) But, I love him and I told him how I wish I could just take this away from him. I knew we had such a special love- a bond, a connection, but in this last month, how I have only learned that so much more and how that has only became stronger. It is so hard to see his hands being restrained to the bed. They can't risk something happening to the vent. I understand it, but it doesn't make it any easier. They talk of him having little brain aneurysms here and there. Due to the low platelets. He was having moments where he was confused and hallucinating, some due to meds, and the rest due to the brain bleeding. They want to cat scan his brain, actually his abdomen, too, but cannot do so, because he is not stable enough to even be moved down one level. Everything must come to him in his room. When I first asked all specialists and his Dr about 4 or 5 days ago, if he needed to be somewhere else, anywhere else- a cancer treatment place, etc- when the surgeon came around, he told me that if I moved him, I would kill him, so that answered that REAL quick and that is why we are where we are. Cody has so many specialists. They think that with all of them and it will take all of them, that they can pull Cody through this. He has a kidney specialist, lung specialist, GI specialist, heart specialist, infectious disease specialist, surgeon, etc. I talked to the oncologist that came by yesterday. My concern was if Cody's brain is bleeding and they are trying to signal the brain through dialysis to get his kidneys functioning better again, then isn't there a chance it won't work. There is a great chance of that. Then, the catheter line, by his neck, for the dialysis was giving fits yesterday. The kidney specialist said that he might have to redo it. I asked about that and that is a risk, which could possibly be need done today. The drain tube only drained blood out of his lung and they feel that there are clots in his lung and since they used such a small tube for less risk, that the clots cannot pass through the tube. We were told he may need a larger chest tube if it gets to that point, or surgery more as a last resort. His bowels are asleep. They are not working. I asked how they know if chemo even worked and 14 days after that first treatment, which is Sunday, 14-21 days after that first day, they have to take another bone marrow sample. It will be closer to the 21 days, I was already told due to everything else going on and his low blood and platelet levels. And, then, if it's not working, they will do a "salvage round", one more time of chemo and if it hasn't worked that time, it's bone marrow donor search time. The Dr I'm sure wondered why I was asking such things, but I still do look to the future for Cody and I just felt I needed to know what might be ahead for us, in the way of the actual leukemia. This leukemia, APML, is rare. And, there was a rare chance of getting this condition that Cody is in with his lungs and everything, and he got it. So, he is in a rare situation of a rare situation. But, the leukemia is the underlying cause of everything. He was on chemo for a week straight and chemo pills, but he does remain on the chemo pills. They will not stop. But, as the Dr made very clear, we are just in the here and now. We must take this moment by moment. It is a dire situation. (as we know) The kidney specialist said that Cody is a "very terribly, terribly sick man." Thank you all for your thoughts, for your prayers, for calling, for coming to see him, for loving us.... You have NO IDEA what this all means. I love Cody so much and when I am with him, I am with him. And, no matter how many lines they have coming from him or what is going on, I only see the love of my life, my husband, my best friend, laying there and I treat him the way I always have. That will not change for me. I know it is hard. It breaks my heart to see him this way, but he needs us now more than anytime so far. We must keep him encouraged and uplifted. He has done everything these people have asked of him to do. He is cooperating so well, because he wants to get better and he wants to come home! And, ooohhhh, how we want him back home!!! Please keep lifting Cody's name up to God. I know He hears all of our prayers. Cody will have quite a testimony! I am so tired right now and I hope that I have made sense of everything I have typed. I know this is very long, but it's just something that I wanted to do, maybe needed to do. We love all of you very much!

I just copied and pasted, so I'm going to read over all of this when I am done. I was actually finding myself looking back over e-mail updates that I sent out in September and all the times afterwards, just on last Thursday. I still struggle with 'September', so I've got to figure out how to deal with all of this. The more time passes by, the deeper in me 'September' goes and the harder and harder it is... Right now, February/March tops all and this pain I have inside. Although, I do spend much of my time recalling all of the good times we shared, the majority of our time together, all of our life before September and even afterwards. Some of the best times of my life were our past months together, crazy, but true...

This is so hard for me because in September, I really believed Cody would make it, even despite everything I was being told. There were a couple of times that I realized how bad he was and that he might not make it. It had even got to the point once where my prayers were for God to go on and take him home if that were His will. I had accepted God's will- whatever it was.

Things happened so fast this time, that I hardly had time to do anything. I hadn't came to grips with the fact I may lose Cody. After September, after all he had been through, after God gave us a miracle, after the dr's having so much optimism this time, after spending our family day up there with him on that Friday... even after going to ICU, because you know... ok, we did this before... this is all familiar... But, the same outcome was not to be. A part of me believed in September and ever since after, that there would be no way Cody could live through that again. No way. I tried to tell them this when things were getting so bad... they were trying to give me hope and/or be hopeful themselves... even when telling me he had less than 10% chance... I just, in a part of me, knew that there was no way... I was facing reality, ready to deal with it, when most everyone else around me was not.

This was no different than in late August/early September when I "got it" and no one else did. Everyone was in shock and/or denial. I was so alone because I was living in and with the truth and the facts. And, even when things got bad-bad-bad, I was being asked, is it really that bad? Do you really think it's that bad? When I was falling apart crying my eyes out because I realized I may lose him, I was around faces of shock and denial and questions-questions-questions.

I miss Cody so much! I talk about him a big part of my day. He is constantly on my mind. There is not a moment goes by that I do not think of him. He remains everywhere. Most of the time, I just keep all of my special memories to myself when they occur to me. A place...a song... something someone says... I think of him. I can smile because of our love and what we had and I still have and then I hurt so deeply, because I just want more.

Despite me being in the kind of pain I'm in... it is helping me to try to help others. I am doing what Cody did and what he would want for us to do. I've been praying that some marriages are being changed, are in the process of changing... for the better, for us.

I appreciate so much everything that everyone has done for us. Near and far. Anything. Even if you have never contacted me in any way, yet have said prayers for us and think of us, thank you. I honestly never knew there was so much good left in this world. Before September, I had about given up on this world. I was disgusted with it all. Because of September, we felt an out pour of love from the world that we never had and never would have had if the events had not taken place as they did. We changed. You can't go through something like that and not. We had stronger and deeper relationships with not only each other, but those new and old. People came into our lives who we impacted in ways not even intended and who impacted us the same. There are those few special ones who I will never forget. There are people now a part of my life because of September and because of this.

Cody received a miracle from God in September. Really, more than just one. We thanked God and praised Him every day. Cody... even after he started not feeling well this last time when we didn't know for sure... every time he prayed, every time, the first thing he said was "Thank you for this day you have given us."

Cody and I were 'Christians.' We believed in God- we believed that Jesus died for our sins upon the cross and was raised- we attended church- we participated in VBS when we could- we went to class when we could- we read the Bible- we prayed- we were saved!- etc, etc... But, we did not know God like we came to know Him because of and in September. We developed a very personal relationship with Him and I believe that's what it's all about! God receives all of the glory for all of this. For everything. God gave Cody and I to each other to begin with or we would've never known such love (and we were still only able to know such a love because of His love for us)- God gave us Zane and Kadee- God gave us a miracle- And, God called Cody home to a place where there is no suffering, no tears...- God is the One touching all of your lives, through us and our love and our testimonies. God gave His only Son, for all of us!!! I pray that you all come to know God on a personal level. It is an awesome experience, to say the least. Once you know this way, you know no other.

I am sharing with anyone who takes the time to read this... a piece of my soul. I am sharing what most people never even share with another. I hope and pray that you all get something from this. I think that must be why you keep coming back for more : ) I am real. I am honest. I am genuine. I love. I hurt. I don't always know what to do or say, but here I am anyway. God can touch your hearts, your lives, your souls- if you will just let Him.

"Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love, Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; And where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved, as to love. For it is in giving that we receive, It is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life." — St. Francis Of Assisi

To my dearest Cody,
I love you and miss you so much. We were so blessed! Today I am trying to take the time to just be, thankful. God blessed us more than we deserved. He loves us so much!
This morning, I was playing hide and seek with Zane. I would hide and yell, "Zane" and then he would be running around trying to find me, trying to follow my voice, yelling "Mama?" and I chased him around too and crawled all in the floor after him... just like we used to do with him. I was telling dad how even when you were not feeling well this last time, you playing with him and doing that, as big a guy as you were, crawling around in the floor as fast as you could after Zane who was so tickled at you! : ) Kadee's becoming more and more ticklish!! I was having fun making her laugh. She was really, really laughing too. My heart breaks because you are not here with us and I know how much you wanted to be, how much all of this would mean to you. I do grieve for Zane and Kadee not having their daddy here. It was always so aggravating, as I had told you, when certain people would keep telling me how much the kids needed me and I would say, Yes, they need their daddy, too! when I was with you because you wanted and needed me there and you were fighting for your life!
Thank God you were able to come home with us after September and live the rest of your life so happy! We all got to live so happy and enjoy our time together as a family. We miss you so much.
Yesterday a Wendy's commercial came on and I couldn't help but smile. I told dad, well, if Cody was here, we'd be having so much fun with this right now. I have so many things like that happen in my every days. I'm going to write all of our special, just between you and me stuff, for the kids. That was a good suggestion I got, so that way, they will come to know you better and our love and relationship.
Because of you, I have 2 precious little angels here on this earth. You know that we have some of the best children ever. I don't think, and you knew this, that anyone ever came around without saying that Zane was and then Kadee was and now they both are, the most happiest babies anyone has ever met. Misty had believed that to be a reflection of our love. I can agree with that : )
Katrina, Vanessa and I went out to eat last night at El Chico. I didn't share with them all of our memories there! I did comment on how good the nachos looked in the menu and was thinking to myself how you would've loved those, if they were more than what you got that one time, lol. We ended up talking for hours. It was good. It was nice. It was something that I needed. I feel like we were all able to bond and become that much closer. I want to be close to people. I want to love others and I do. I guess most of the time when someone goes through a loss and/or is in so much pain, you want to shut down sometimes, shut off, but that is the last thing I want to do. It is so true that "it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."
All I know Cody is that because of you... because of you, I am who I am. I know that sounds funny since I really don't know who I am anymore without you, but I still have my basic core self- my same morals and values, etc. I still have your love! I told one woman that you gave me enough love to last my lifetime!
I've been thinking about a movie... or I think this was in a movie... but, I think the man was dying or knew he wasn't going to live much longer and he asked his woman (wife, gf, whatever) if she would love him for the rest of his life? And she told him, No... I'll love you for the rest of mine. That is exactly how this is for me. I will love you for all of my life!
I miss you Cody. I miss your love. I miss my very best friend.
1-2-3-4,
"Fi"

I really don't think these 2 friends would mind if I share some ways that Cody affected their lives, that happened after September.

Oh and I want to tell you this memory that keeps popping in my head! I am not sure but after I left your house Saturday while I was driving home I heard “remembering” Cody say family time. I thought that is really weird. Well then as I started thinking about things I remembered why I was remembering him say that.
It was from the yard sale when we got I think Pioneer Pizza and we came in the house to eat it. Well my kitchen table was a mess! It was so piled with stuff we had a hard time sitting down to eat. Cody said you guys don’t have much family time do you…… I knew that bothered Cody.
... After that I have tried my best to keep the kitchen table cleaned off no matter how busy I get with everything!
But looking back I can see that he was really concerned because that was a big thing to him! FAMILY TIME!!!
So that is what I have been thinking about Family time! And without me saying anything Saturday night we actually sat down and had dinner together! It was so nice Melissa!!!

Cody said something the other day when he was at the house and it has stuck in my mind. I went by when he was there talking with T about the car and we were just standing outside shooting the breeze. He started talking about how his life has changed and how he was saved and everything, and I mean he actually said something like, "I got saved and I'm trying to do right in my life." Maybe not those exact words but pretty close. I can't tell you how much that little bit of testimony touched my heart and I thank God so much for Cody saying that right in front of me and T. Melissa you know that I'm not the model Christian person. I don't really know if there is such a thing, but T hasn't really seen much of an example out of me like he should. With Cody saying what he said, he just really inspired me to be a better person so that T can see that. I don't know much about his spiritual past but I'm almost positive he's not a Christian but by Cody's testimony maybe T can see that you don't have to be a holy roller, preacher type of a guy to live for the Lord. I wanted to share that bit of inspiration in my life and ask you to please say a prayer for T's salvation.