Because You Loved Me

To my dear Cody,
I am in complete devastation right now. How have I made it this long without you? I don't know. A day passes by and I don't even know how I got through it... I am going through the motions. I am numb. But, I am not numb. I am in such great pain! The truth of the matter is, I don't want to live without you. I don't want to be here. I want to be with you. I got down the tapes from the top of our closet... the ones that I made you so long ago... I have been listening to them. I still am right now... You were everything to me. I talk to all of these people and they don't get me. You got me. No one understands. You always did. Everyone wants to make this better for me and they can't. I keep saying that I don't even know who I am anymore and that I'm trying to figure it out, but I don't want to know who I am without you. I don't want to figure it out. I just don't. I have lost in my life... I have felt pain... I have never felt a pain or loss like this. On Friday, you were referred to as "full of life" and that you were "bigger than life!" Then yesterday, Zane and I went to Wal-Mart and I barely made it through that. Zane seen 2 different men who resembled you in enough of a way that he thought it was you... He said, "daddy, daddy?" and pointed, but as we got closer, he got the strangest look on his face realizing it wasn't you. Then, I ran into someone and she told me that she has been thinking about me every day. She told me that I stuck by your side like glue and how you knew that. I know you did. People try to comfort me by saying how much you loved me, etc, but I know all of these things. Of all people, I know. I knew you better than anyone else. We were just one in the same- Meant for each other, destined to be together. We made each other complete. You were my absolute best friend. You were so full of life... You made my life full. For so long you and I were a family... I had to be family to you because you never felt like you had much of one and I know how much you missed your dad and how horribly bad that his loss affected you... All we wanted was to have our own family and after all we went through to be blessed with Zane and Kadee... We got our family. And, now you're not here... I just don't understand. Everyone will remark about your age... You were just "so young" etc... I miss YOU! I knew you and miss you because of who you were, not because of how old you were...I know that it's sad to others to hear of people "dying before their time". You know, I am so hurt daily by what you are missing out on, just knowing what it would mean to you and how you would be touched by life... But, most of all what I miss is not only what we would have brought to your life, but what you would be bringing to ours, everything that you did bring to us. Everyone is so touched by how "by your side" I was, back in September and this time. I only did what you would have did for me. How could I not have did what I did? We are the definition of true, unconditional love. You keep coming to me in dreams, but not in a good way. I keep seeing you sick, over and over again. Although, the last dream I had of you, you held me just so, so tight in a hug and told me that you just wanted to go home, like when you were still here, except of course in the dream, it was here with us, at our home and I did get to bring you home, here. When I woke up from the dream, I wanted to go back to it, to find you again, to just hold on to you for a little while longer. It felt so real, like I was back in your arms again... What I wouldn't give... Zane pointed out the window this morning, "daddy, daddy?" looking for you. Zane and Kadee both appear to really be missing you lately. This is just so hard. Steph came by today. She found a few more pictures of you to give me copies of. I went out to mom's last night. That was hard. I knew it would be. We have so many memories out there. So many in the house, out of the house... everywhere! I was thinking about the time when I had been to your house and you had this cute little stuffed dog and I had to tell you how I loved it! Then, you... you made a special trip out to the house, I was already in bed, had it hid behind your back... you brought me that dog! I believe he slept with me that night : ) You were always so full of surprises! Always. We were just talking about that little dog not that long ago. I know I still have it. I have a lot of stuff, I just haven't went through things. I have not been ready for all of that just yet. Now, Superman is on... Well, Kryptonite. I can see you, singing the part especially, "Will you be there a-holding my hand..." and reaching out your hand to me with a HUGE grin on your face!! There are so many who missed out on knowing you. What a tremendous loss on their part. You were an amazing person. You had the biggest heart! When you were so hurt by many things after September and told me how you had friends closer than family... I know how much you were hurt... And, I know that happens many times where friends are closer than family and that God places certain people in our lives, as He placed Darrell, and I know that all of those of us who did know you so well, miss you beyond words. You were such a constant presence in our every day lives. And, in some way, those who didn't know you, miss you in a different way because they are grieving not only just your loss, but of not even knowing you to begin with... I know which bridges were burned and I can't say that anyone would blame you. I also know what you did for me and I do thank you because I know how much you didn't want to... But, I know deep down inside surely a small part of you did and I do think it was best for you and I think you had some relief after the fact, even though you weren't very happy with me at the time. And, at the end, something that I do still struggle with is going against your original wishes... I was trying to do what was "right".... I know that when you woke and realized who was there that you seemed concerned/worried... That is why I said, "Cody, everything is ok" to let you know that I had given the ok and that things were ok... I know you relaxed after that, so I believe you were ok with my decision. I would never go against you and you know that. That is why I had even harder decisions to make after that... I knew you well enough to be able to say many things with 100% certainty. I know that you didn't want any problems caused... I know how you were concerned and worried about it all when you were way too sick to be even thinking about it... People made their own decisions and have to live with that. And, I'm talking about from your whole entire life... not just "before September" or "September" or "after September" or "this time."
I love you Cody, more than words. Thank you for loving me.
"Fi"
This is something I had posted on my myspace page quite a while back (it's still there, much of my page is the same)


Because You Loved Me- Celine Dion

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cuz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cuz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cuz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me



Bowling



2/12/05

(For all of those wondering how I'm doing? If I'm ok? No, I'm not.)