And, some more lives touched...

I just want you to know first of all how much D and I really love you guys! We had some really good times with you all! D really enjoyed getting to spend time with Cody! He would always come home in a good mood and so happy with crazy stories! It didn’t matter what those two were doing they always had a good time! Petersons, 4-wheeling, Junk’n or just talking on the phone it just didn’t matter to them.
I think Cody really helped bring some light and inspiration to D! I could see the way he changed towards everything just from being around him! THANK YOU!

I will never forget everything you and Cody have done for us! From the simple things like cards, sharing clothes for the babies, phone calls, emails to the big stuff like coming to see us after having D and especially helping us out in our hard times with food and money! You don’t even know how much that helped us out! You and Cody have been such an answered prayer for us!

I remember when we had the yard sale all the fun we had. Poor you being miserable…. But I had a great time hanging out!
Then after we cleaned up... You and Cody letting me talk and cry about everything that was bothering me at the time. You both were such good listeners….. And after that day is when I could tell D started changing towards everything. I wasn’t sure if Cody had talked to D about things or what but whatever happened I really do think it had a lot to do with Cody being such a good person and great friend!

I continue to pray that God will pull us closer together as friends! Melissa, you are such an amazing lady and I look up to you so much. You have been through so much and yet you are so strong in your Faith with God! I try and try to be strong with all our struggles but I seem to fail. I consider you a true friend! I feel that I can come to you with no matter what and you don’t go running to everyone about it! D felt the same way with Cody! I hope you feel the same about us.

Please know that D and I are here for you all no matter what! Like I said before we really love you all and really miss Cody a lot!

It's amazing how people progress through life. I have spent most of my life emotionally isolated. I hardly ever express my true emotions to other people. I only cover them sarcasm and cynical ideals.
I have never experienced the amazing love that you and Cody had. After reading your blogs, I thirst for it. My husband has always extended himself to me; tried in every loving way he could imagine to let me be free around him, only to be let down and given a cold shoulder. Because I have seen your brave ability to share your raw emotions with others, I have made a commitment to my husband, and myself to work daily on this aspect. Ever since I have known you, I have known how beautiful your express feelings unto paper have been. It seems like you were always writing something down. Your gift has been an inspiration to me and I have been journaling often. A few weeks ago, I would have never written this message to you because I was afraid that others wouldn't see me as a strong person. However, I have come to know that this is quite the opposite.
For me, it just seemed so unfair that this could happen to two people really, really made for each other, the two of you that just fit, no question about it, with two beautiful children and a bond that is indescribable. I feel like I have done nothing in my life compared to the inspiration the two of you have shown to this world. I have spent most of my adult life trying to make decisions about who I am going to be, struggling everyday with it, all the while I should be listening to my soul, it is telling me if I would just listen. For the two of you, this was so easy; you were Cody and Melissa, no pretending, nothing fake, just yourselves, pure love.
My hope is that your horrific loss will bring with it a great flood of love. You will never know how many lives have been affected by Cody; how many relationships mended, how many souls recommitted. I hadn't prayed in a very long time until that Saturday when things weren't looking good for Cody. I prayed for peace, and I still pray for your peace everyday.

Cody,
Wow. Do you see what you, what we, have done? And to think, that there are still so many out there that haven't shared yet or may not, but are still affected. That is wonderful! As I was reading the second one... I got a big smile on my face about "two people really, really made for each other, the two of you that just fit, no question about it, with two beautiful children and a bond that is indescribable" because that is what we said sooooo much of the time. We were just made for each other... We just "fit" and it was so true in many, many ways. And, our love was and is, indescribable.
I went to grief group last night. I shared my letter that I had wrote to you in March 2002 and the poem I wrote and read at your funeral. I also talked, quite a bit. They all appreciated everything I shared and said it was very powerful. Now, keep in mind that lately all I can do is cry. A lot. All the way over there.... I cried my eyes out. Just thinking about you, missing you, hearing you saying things to me... (in remembering, not literally) and yearned for more. So, I was already crying and grabbing a kleenex before we even got started. Let alone, when I tried to read aloud that letter I had written to you.... I had to stumble through the last part of it because of the pain I was in... missing you and missing who I was because of you...
But, I hope and pray to carry much of the amazing little gifts you have given me, with me every single day. I want to be the person that you allowed me to be... helped me to be. The person that you loved so much, that I loved! I am going to take care of Zane and Kadee and bring them as much happiness as we always talked of. They won't forget their daddy. I know that was your worst fear... and it's not going to happen. You will always live on... every day.
In group, it was pointed out to me that I have already taken a big step in acknowledging the role that "September" has to do with all of this now. I was told, for example, just the loss of you could have caused 70% of grieving, but because of September, I am up in the 90% range. I have to give myself credit for that. It is similar as losing two different people, as another woman there did within a short amount of time, except I have suffered two losses within the same relationship. And, the fact that I not only miss and am grieving you soooo deeply, but am also grieving our future together... We were going to spend our whole lives together.... And, every day without you is hard.... Getting harder.
I know that I am feeling lots of anxiety inside and it is just creeping closer and closer to that 1-month mark. I am aware of this and in this "grieving process" there are many things that will happen consciously or unconsciously. I know that special times are going to be really hard. I know that every day was special for us and how much I miss you on a daily basis that I honestly can't imagine going through those really special times, without you here. But, the fact of the matter is, I don't have a choice. I have to go on. For the kids. For you. For me.
I do believe people have a choice. I could just go dig a hole in the back yard and throw myself in it. I could say, forget the kids, I can't do this. I could give up. I could let the grief overtake me, as it often times does anyway. I could lay around... not ever eat... not shower... not talk to anyone...
I choose every day to keep moving forward as hard as each step I take is. I do things because that's what "normal" people do. It takes everything in me to get up each morning... take a shower... eat... talk... But, I do it. The kids need me. They needed you, too, but life is what it is. I love them for the both of us. I hug them for the both of us, I kiss them for the both of us, I play with them for the both of us....
Yesterday I had Zane laughing and laughing and laughing.... It took me back to these past months, when you were playing with him and Kadee and I was in the bedroom folding laundry and I heard the 3 of you laughing so much and I started to laugh and thought, that is the most beautiful sound in the world! I know that you were not very worried about Zane... and I know that you told me that he would be fine. You would be so proud! He is saying all kinds of things now. He's really talking quite a bit! He will always be your little "Bubby." Little Kadee is rolling all over the place to get where she wants to go. She's also going like crazy in the walker. She not only pushes backwards like she was at first, but now goes forward, too. She is working on the whole crawling, but isn't there yet. She actually gets frustrated about it and is starting to show a temper... remember when Zane showed his?... Ah, never a dull moment around here. She will always be your little "tweety."
We couldn't wait to get married. Remember? It was like it couldn't happen fast enough! We were ready to start out lives together... We were going to be that couple that celebrated like a 60th wedding anniversary. We were in it for the long haul. Our vows meant exactly that to us.... for better or worse... richer or poorer... in sickness and in health... I came across many notes to you and cards, etc.... I still have yet to look over everything you have given to me... But, do you remember when we celebrated our every month anniversary? Seriously. Wow, I do. And, we did that for almost the first 2 years of our marriage... so... that means, we got to celebrate many "anniversaries" : ) I have found such a comfort in that. I just laugh and smile to see "Happy 1- month anniversary!" "Happy 5-month anniversary!" "Happy 6-month anniversary! We're halfway to our 1-yr anniversary! yay!" "Happy 9-month anniversary!" on and on and on... We really were quite a pair. I keep hearing how rare our love was/is. I always knew we were different. I'm so thankful that we were. We didn't let the "world" decide things for us. God was such a big part of our lives... and He gave us all of that very special time after September... someone said that you never know when God will call another of His angels home... As He called you on March 9th. Right now, God is the only One who can understand me. He can help me. He will help me. He is helping me. The many prayers for our family have never ceased.
Cody, we're looking into many things. I'm not in a rush because I want everything to work out, to be special, to be long lasting. There have been some who have wished they could have died instead of you... that they could have taken your place, so that you could still be here with me and Zane and Kadee... I couldn't help but cry to think of having to sacrifice one for the other, even though I would have taken your place if allowed... and I was overwhelmed to know of how much love some have for you... have for me... have for the kids. But, this is part of God's plan. I will be with you again someday. And, until then, I will be missing you and loving you every single day for the rest of my life!
Forever & Always,
"Fi"

(I don't think the person would mind me sharing this, as it really has touched me so very deeply and caused me to cry many, many tears while reading it.)

My Daddy passed away at 34 years old
My Mom was left widowed at 33 years old
My brother was left without his Daddy at 12 years old
And I was left without my Daddy at 5 years old

(referring to the letters & poems I have shared & blogs) She says she feels them as they were her own. I've learned a lot about my Mom and what it was like for her at that time. Things I was too young to know. Some things she hasn't ever told me even as we've talked now. You've been able to unlock some things about that time and my Mom has talked more about it with me. I don't care if she ever remarries, but I would like her to at least find someone that makes her happy and loves her. Marriage isn't something I care about right now for her. One step at a time. She has been in your place for over 20 years, and has felt compelled to just support you through this time.

...through me forcing her to go through therapy and what I truly believe YOU... she is gonna find herself and be happy and more confident again. The loss of my Dad swallowed my Mom. I think she has seen through you, that the pain IS so so very deep and nothing can fix it and she is not alone in feeling that way, but nothing can bring him back and her life has passed her by... 20 years and plenty of grey hairs later! It's time for her to move on with her life. She isn't getting any younger, she is 53 heading towards 54 in September. She feels as if she can help support you through the years, then it will have been worth it to stand up confident again. I would absolutely LOVE to have "that" Mom back! When my Dad died, I lost BOTH of my parents and my Mom knows that and has apologized profusely for all that went wrong. She couldn't help it though, she was totally broken.

It's just brutal and we all feel so badly for your broken heart.