Missing my best friend...

Where do I begin this time? Like a ton of bricks today, the pain found it's way back to consuming me... I was overwhelmed with sadness. I started crying and could not stop. I obviously have now or I wouldn't be able to type this... I was shaking again... felt like my heart was ripping out of my chest and couldn't hardly breathe... I couldn't hardly stand up, in fact, I had to lean over... I am just devastated! Missing Cody. Missing my best friend. Thoughts were racing through my mind and for the life of me, wouldn't stop or slow down...
I was trying to get around to go... we had plans for this evening and we did go. I cried all the way over there. Thinking of Cody. Missing him terribly. And, then part of a poem kept running through my head, causing me to sob even more... Part of it is here:

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where 'I' does not exist, nor 'you',
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

(Pablo Neruda www.oldpoetry.com)

Anyway, we made it to friends house and was able to enjoy as much as possible our time together. We talked of Cody. I got to share even more of our relationship and special bond. I shared the letter that I wrote to him in March 2002. I already shared that in this blog 1-2-3-4 Cody. I smiled and laughed remembering Cody. But, as soon as I do, my heart breaks all over again because of how much I miss him. Oh... here it goes again... the tears just will not stop for long... This pain seems so unbearable!... Cody and I talked about anything and everything! We laughed together, cried together, sang together, played together, grew together...the list goes on and on... we just did it all, together. Cody was the love of my life and my best friend. I am missing my very best friend...

Cody,
I don't know what to say except that I miss you beyond description. You wondered what it would be like for me without you here and it is the most awful thing I've ever had to endure. I go out into the world and it's as though everything is fine, as if no one is aware of me dying of this pain inside and it's like I'm screaming out to the top of my lungs and no one even looks or notices. I am just stumbling around going through the motions. I don't want to live this way. I don't even want to live. I want to be with you. Does that mean I want to die? Yes, but No, I want to be able to take care of Zane and Kadee and teach them all about you. In their own little ways, they are grieving-there is not a doubt in my mind. This is not at all how I ever thought our lives would be. I never could have imagined you having to go through what you did. It keeps getting pointed out in grief class that we not only miss the person whom we loved so much, but whom loved us back. Reciprocated love. Yes. I miss it ALL! We loved each other the same. So, as much as I love you, you loved me. Of course I miss that. I have friends and people around me talking of their relationships and situations and I just want to help them to realize... don't you know what you have or could have? This life is too short. You've got to make the most of what you have while you have it and forget about everything else you don't have. You truly have to live as if each moment were your last. I mean, if people would just stop and think, if today was my last day, did I make it count? Actually, at the beginning of every day, thinking that, if today is my last day, I will make it count! I wish I could do that, but this grief is taking me under. Maybe in some way, I am still making a difference in the lives I come into contact with... I hope so. I was crying, literally, out to God today for Him to help me because I know that He is the only one who can. This pain is killing me, it's killing me and I can't help but feel it. When I lost you, I lost everything. I have been trying to figure out why today? And, I have no idea. I thought on the drive though that it has been exactly 2 months since Valentine's Day and maybe that has something to do with it? I really don't know, but once I realized that, I cried even more and recalled the events of that day in my mind. I shared some suggestions, some advice, some tips... whatever, from our love... and it's funny because more and more people tell me that they just never knew you were "that way". Again, that's what makes all of this more special between us, is because I seen a side of you that absolutely no one else ever seen and you the same with me. You were such a sweetheart. You were a romantic. You many times went to great lengths to do something special for me. The CD. The necklace. The perfume. The petals and candles. The little surprises either left out in the vehicle or in the house for me to find. We always told each other how much we loved one another. We said it many times in a day. I miss hearing that from you. But, even though I don't hear it, I feel it. I know how much you loved me, as I know you know how much I loved you. We would have did anything for each other, anything. We were never out to prove anything to anyone. We knew what we had. We were intimate in ways that many don't even know possible. You always had such a gift with people and of people. You knew things about people that you didn't even know. You knew things about me I think that I didn't even know about myself, but came to know because of you loving me. I guess I am just beyond grateful for everything you did for me. I'm glad that all of the "tests" put before us, we passed. We were faced with many, many challenges and most other marriages would have failed, no doubt, yet we always came out of hard times stronger than ever! When we had a choice in the matter, we couldn't live without each other. Now, I have no choice. I have to live. I have to keep moving forward.. never "moving on" or "forgetting" or "getting over it"... just taking one foot and placing it in front of the other. I don't want to most of the time. I don't want to live this life without you... I don't want to do half of the stuff I have to do now because you're not here. I hate even having to think about stuff that I'm only having to think about because you're gone... Like, as I was planning the funeral... I kept thinking, but I shouldn't even be having to do this right now! Like contacting places that you are dead... I shouldn't even be having to do this right now! Like designing your headstone... I shouldn't even be having to do this right now! I wish you were still here, but as soon as I say that, I know that's just the human selfish part of me talking because I wouldn't really want you here the condition you were in or the way your life might have been... You were not one who would have wanted the path that was to come ahead... I know that. Many know that. You are in a better place! I just want to be there with you. And, I know that all of "this" stuff here on this earth doesn't matter there, won't matter there. We will all be changed. But, what I do know is that there is God... Jesus did die on the cross for our sins and there is heaven and hell. There is no in between- it's one or the other. I do know that God wants us to live our lives for Him. I do know that you would want for people to be where you are or are going to be. As I was talking to God earlier today, I became so emotional. I'm just trying to figure out my life. My life. It was our life. This is just the most difficult thing I can imagine... living what was to be our life, without you.... Zane and Kadee will know that they had one of the best daddy's in the whole entire universe! They will also know our Heavenly Father because I know you would want nothing more than for them to come home, too. I love you so much Cody and I can't wait until we are all together again.
More than words,
"Fi"

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13)