...More Life...

Well, I woke up exactly at the moment that I Will Rise began to play on the radio. That song strikes me as strongly now as it did the first time I ever heard it. I never quite know what my reaction will be? Sometimes I cry, sometimes I smile.... regardless, I always have peace. This song speaks to me. I know it was speaking to me so strongly that first day I heard it, as I heard it every time I entered our baby's room and every time I walked by her room. Ever since Cody's death, I hear it at times like this morning... just like right in the moment I need to, that I'm supposed to. Just a couple of nights ago, it came on right as I laid my head down on the pillow to try to go to sleep. Of course, at that moment, it brought many tears, as nights are hard for me. Quiet time. Thinking time. Remembering time. Missing time. Lonely time.
But this morning, the song that came on right afterwards, wow! I couldn't help but smile and that is what has brought me to blog. Cody always liked this song and you should've heard him sing it : ) I think this is not only to speak to me, but to all of us, from Cody. May it help you as you start your day today... and your every day. God Bless!

Life In My Day- Newsong

My cell phone's ringing and I'm running late
The morning traffic's got me
Time is ticking away
A few more hours is all that I need
Seems that there's just not enough days in the week
But then it hits me
Time is not the answer
You've given me all the time in the world
All that I need is..

Chorus:
A little more life in my day
A little more of Your life
A little more faith
Need a little more life in my day
A little more life to show me the way
If I'm gonna be in the world but not be of it
Lord I need more of You in all that I do
With a little more life in my day

Sometimes I guess I get lost in the race
Trying to make a deadline just to keep up the pace
I can't help feelin' I'm always behind
So much that I could do if I could just find the time

Bridge:
Lord don't let me be in such a hurry
Trying to live my life that I miss You in it
Help me to take the time to see
All that I need is..

Chorus x 2

To my dear Cody,
I am missing you so much. As the time goes by that I am farther from the last time I seen you, talked to you, touched you...It's just so hard. I can't really explain what is going on? I don't feel like I have a fear of forgetting you, because you are everywhere! Some think that is part of what I am going through though. Maybe? I decided I needed something more than I was getting... So... I went Tuesday to see a grief counselor and then I went yesterday to another counselor and tonight I am going to a grief class. I am also wanting to go to a grief support group next week. I will also have counseling again next week. I need someone who isn't already emotionally involved... We are all missing you. We are all in pain. My whole world has fell apart. I also started reading a really good book last night, suggested by a man who lost his wife only a little over 2 months ago.... This is a really good book! I try to live moment to moment and then when a day is over, I can't even hardly believe it or remember just how all I got through that whole day. When I lost you, I lost my very best friend! I could talk to you about anything and everything, any time. I miss that. I don't have that any more. We were so close. .... 2 becomes 1. Yes, literally. We were one in the same. You would just not believe the lives you've touched, that we have touched. It's so hard for me to even believe, just because we were living our every day lives, normal lives.... not doing anything we thought was out of the ordinary. I remember that one time on your page when you said, "I'm just a simple guy living a simple life." .....Jason has big ideas, big dreams about honoring your memory. Shannon is helping out, too. She also has some really big ideas. Different things are in the works. We are having a meeting Friday to discuss some stuff, to try to figure everything out.
Both of these counselors that I spoke with said some things along the exact same lines.... Our love is something only a very small percentage of people ever experience! They are amazed by me, which I know you're not surprised at that : ) I keep remembering so many special times with you, which all times were special. I mean, I am remembering things that I haven't thought about in a long time. I am so glad that these memories are filling my heart and mind.
I am currently thinking about a moment after September.... I won't go into all details, but we were very close and we were just standing, holding each other and I felt overwhelmed with happiness that you were still here with me and all at the same time, a great pain for what you had went through and how I had almost lost you.... I was telling you of all my love for you and you to me and I started absolutely crying my eyes out and you just put your hand on my head and led me into your chest and tried to comfort me... I was telling you, " Cody, it was just so hard for me. I almost lost you. I almost watched you die..." And, you were like, " Shhhh... it's ok. I am ok right now. I am here right now. It's ok. " And, the reason why I am thinking about that and crying once again is because we were never trying to fill ourselves with false expectations... You weren't going to promise me something that you couldn't... You couldn't tell me that you'd be here forever, or even for another month or day... You were telling me you were there right then. In that moment. We hugged for so, so long.... I told you I wasn't ready to let you go yet, I just wanted to hold on to you as long as I could- in that moment, for that moment, however long we could allow it to last- and we kissed and just held each other for what felt like, forever. We have so many moments like this... We were always like this... There are so many moments like this from before September. I refer to our life this way so much of the time (before September, after September), because that was a life-changing time for us. Our whole world changed. And, now my whole world is changing again. My heart is in so much pain right now. Actual, physical pain. I want to embrace this... I want to feel it... I have it because of the love we shared... denying this unimaginable pain would be like denying my love for you. So many are honored to know you and even complete strangers that never met you are so thankful for coming to "know" you and I must say, I am beyond honored to have been your wife.
More than words,
"Fi"

January 31, 2009

No matter what you've done for yourself or for humanity, if you can't look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished?-- Elbert Hubbard