Anxiety

I was having such a blah day yesterday and then went out to eat last night with a couple of friends and I'm so glad that I did. At first, I was still really blah and just had so much on my mind. It's hard for me (and I know it is for others) because I just feel so different and I guess am so different. My life has flipped upside down and everyone else's seems still intact even though impacted all at the same time. It's hard to hear others talk about what I normally would... and now I am talking about Cody's headstone and the blood drive in his memory and all of that. That is my life and where it's at right now. It kind of changes the mood in a conversation. Nonetheless, I am loved anyway :) and maybe even more so! We had a blast taking pictures afterwards, actually out in the driveway. We laughed so much, which was so good! My stomach hurt! And, due to a "spot" that appeared in some pictures and we even tried to do different things to see about where it was coming from, etc... we were experimenting... it was decided that Cody was there with me, as someone who works with my friend seen it and said, oh look, there is an angel in your picture.
I had a counseling session today. I expressed some concern about my chest pains and some changes I've noticed within myself over the last several days, which he is a nurse too, so I got an appt set up and will go back in a week to be checked out. He advised me if I get worse that I need to probably come on in sooner than that. I think I can make it a week, though. I hope so. I mean, I guess I can't say for sure from one day to the next... I told him, there's no telling where I'll be in a week! I could be a little better or I could be a little worse, and the thing is- I just don't know how much worse I can go...?
I got so many of the flyers out today for the blood drive! And, I still have many more to get out. Some friends are helping, too. A friend text me and had a book for me to read and then as I pulled in the parking lot at the eye clinic, there she was! I asked her if she was following me, lol. It was great to see her and she took a handful of flyers from me to help!! (Thanks again Misty!) Here it is:

I feel like it's so much more official with the flyers :)
Tomorrow I'm supposed to get to spend some real quality time with a very dear friend, a best friend. I'm really looking forward to it for so many reasons! I can't wait!
The following info is from (http://www.wikipedia.org/)
Anxiety can be accompanied by physical effects such as heart palpitations, fatigue, nausea, chest pain, shortness of breath, stomach aches, or headaches. Physically, the body prepares the organism to deal with a threat. Blood pressure and heart rate are increased, sweating is increased, bloodflow to the major muscle groups is increased, and immune and digestive system functions are inhibited (the fight or flight response). External signs of anxiety may include pale skin, sweating, trembling, and pupillary dilation. Someone suffering from anxiety might also experience it as a sense of dread or panic.
Although panic attacks are not experienced by every anxiety sufferer, they are a common symptom. Panic attacks usually come without warning, and although the fear is generally irrational, the perception of danger is very real. A person experiencing a panic attack will often feel as if he or she is about to die or pass out. Panic attacks may be confused with heart attacks.
Anxiety does not only consist of physical symptoms. There are many emotional symptoms involved as well. Some of them include: "Feelings of apprehension or dread, trouble concentrating, feeling tense or jumpy, anticipating the worst, irritability, restlessness, watching (and waiting) for signs (and occurences) or danger, and, feeling like your mind's gone blank." [4]There's also, "nightmares/bad dreams, obsessions about sensations, deja vu, a trapped in your mind feeling, and feeling like everything is scary." [5]
One of the most common symptoms of anxiety is fear, which includes the fear of dying. "You may...fear that the chest pains [a physical symptom of anxiety] are a deadly heart attack or that the shooting pains in your head [another physical symptom of anxiety] are the result of a tumor or aneurysm. You feel an intense fear when you think of dying, or you may think of it more often than normal, or can’t get it out of your mind." [6]
Hm... I don't know... ? I guess I will know more next week. I just wanted to look it up out of curiosity and because I'm having those chest pains again right now. These pains come and go, but have came and went more often today than usual... Ugh. I was going through cards that had yet to be used and came across several that I had intended to give to Cody someday... Like cards that were so "right on" that I put away for 'the future' like 2 different Valentine's Day cards for example. And, now I'll never get to give them to him... Thinking about all this, there were some times when he would get 2 cards from me on the same occasion because I couldn't decide on just 1. Or sometimes I would do 1 serious card and then 1 funny card. Balance :)
Anyway, I think I'm going to go read and try to take it easy... I don't like this feeling...
Here is a pic of me caught totally off guard and laughing... 4/28/09

"Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than the heavens- what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave- what can you know? Their measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea." Job 11: 7-9 NIV
Cody,
I love you and I miss you. More than anyone can know.
Fi