Pain

"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation." Psalm 91: 14-16 NIV

I was up until 2 am... I got Cody's headstone picked out yesterday. In about a month I will have the design layout before my very eyes so I can approve it and then they can order the stone and move forward. To those I have shared with what it is supposed to look like thinks it sounds very nice. I have a beautiful vision, so I hope the layout is just like I have imagined, and then that the actual stone is just the same. I spent forever working on some thank you cards. My hand was completely numb by the time I was done. I did one right after the other, a total of about 50... and I have more yet to do, too. So, if you get a card in the mail from me... it was wrote in the very late night and wee-morning hours. Those chest pains I've been having were really bad yesterday and as I got all emotional then the pain was that much worse... I cried my eyes out and then last night was thinking about Cody continuously, second after second, for hours. He is strongly on my mind today... and I am missing him so...

Some little info on Zane: He weighs 33 1/4 lbs and is 35 5/8 inches long. He is getting so big!

Look at this pic of Cody:) He was always such a good sport!


Here is one of Cody & I:


Here is Darrell and us, Jan. 31, 2009:


And, here is Cody & Kadee, Feb. 7, 2009:


Cody was being so serious, as usual, that I asked him to give me a big smile, so he did, but looked down right when I snapped. He was so silly! He asked, "there, was that better?" lol. I said, "yeah" and looked at the pic on the screen and said, "oh no, you weren't looking at the camera! Will you do it again?" He decided that was good enough :)


Cody,
I can't get you off of my mind... our lives are replaying. It is so hard to look at the pictures of you in January and February and to know where you were just one month later. You barely lived a month past Zane's 2nd birthday party. It is so hard to believe. And here April is almost over and we're nearing the 2 month anniversary of your death... but at least for that we are having the blood drive and doing something so special in honor of you. Not that the day will just be "all better" because of that, but I'm glad that it's happening. We have touched so many lives. I look over cards I have gotten and e-mails and Wasson's and just feel so loved. Zane looks so much like you... that's all I keep hearing from everyone! And, little Kadee is crawling all over the place, getting into everything. Her 1st birthday party is going to be so hard, I can't even think about it. Whenever Zane and I were gone yesterday, I got to witness a family... a man, woman and 4 children. I don't try to judge people, but what I observed was a man so much different than the daddy you were. It made me sad for those kids. And, it made me thankful for you and for the time you did get to spend with Zane and Kadee. Zane and I were watching the DVD of you and Kadee got right up there by us and started smiling and laughing as she seen you. Her eyes seriously lit up! I couldn't help but smile, even though at the same time, my heart was breaking. (as broken as it is, you wouldn't think it could break any more) I did get your headstone picked out. I can't wait to see what it is supposed to look like... the real preview, not my lousy artwork, haha. It will be quite some time before it is actually at the cemetery, but that's ok because I just want it to be special. Just for you. My physical pain is getting worse from my missing you and my pain of losing you and my shattered heart. I'm hurting right at this moment... and it hurts so bad...
I love you Cody William.
Fi