One month

Cody,
Today has been rough. This evening I had to take Kadee to the Dr and while I was waiting on the Dr to come in the room, which did take quite a while, but felt like forever... I lost it! I hadn't been there since your death. Tons of memories came flooding back to me, especially all of us just being there the end of January. Is that possible? Only that short amount of time ago. And, here I am now... of course, thinking about your final moments. I am in so much pain. I am so very sad. I am... I don't even know what I am. I can look back at it as if from the outside...seeing me there with you... talking... crying... touching you... I know that pain I felt... I know how much I trembled the rest of the night... literally jerking. The core of my being was affected. I couldn't even walk... Everything was in slow motion... One month ago. I don't know where the time has gone? I can't remember. I can't even think. Today, when I shared again the letter I wrote to you in March 2002, I was asked, and how old were you then? It took me a second to think about it, but I was 19 years old when I wrote that to you. I've been told more than once, of being wise beyond my years. So, I joked about being an "old woman trapped in a young body." I just love- fully, completely. I am real... genuine. So were you. Our marriage was not perfect, as no one's is. We receive so much praise and it's because despite everything, our love was unconditional. As we were individually, so our love was also real and genuine. I have been told that what we had was something usually seen in older couples... after years together... time... the relationship built and grew into something as what we had in only our "short time together." Again, how blessed we were! How blessed I still am! As I am sitting here... thinking... typing... crying... sneezing from some allergy attack! or something... the clock creeps closer and closer to the time of losing you... I can't even say, it seems like just yesterday, because it seems like right now... like I am right back there with you. Oh Cody, how I miss you! I know I have been through SO much in my 26 years on this earth, but that is by far, the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. September about killed me, so how I am still even functioning, I don't know. As I told you so many times then, I am so very sorry how this all happened this time... I know we weren't expecting it AT ALL, as is why you had just escaped the hospital only like 4 days before you died. Unbelievable. I don't think I've shared that story with everyone yet. I'll have to do that sometime. It's like I had to say goodbye, leaving you that night when you died... It's like I had to say goodbye again at the funeral... But, it's really like, I haven't ever told you "goodbye." How can I? So many say anyway, it's not goodbye, it's c-ya later. I think I like that best. Now as I look at the time, they were getting ready to pull the ventilator... your meds were already being shut off... You know... you were taking your last breaths now... Cody, I love you! Zane & Kadee love you! We all love you! We all miss you!
1-2-3-4,
"Fi"

I Cross My Heart

Our love is unconditional
We knew it from the start
I can see it in your eyes
You can feel it from my heart
From here on after
Let's stay the way we are right now
And share all the love and laughter
That a lifetime will allow

Chorus:
I cross my heart
And promise to
Give all I've got to give
To make all your dreams come true
In all the world
You'll never find
[ George Strait Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
A love as true as mine

You will always be the miracle
That makes my life complete
And as long as there's still breath in me
I'll make yours just as sweet
As we look into the future
It's as far as we can see
So let's make each tomorrow
Be the best that it can be

Chorus

And if along the way
We find a day
It starts to pour
You've got the promise of my love
To keep you warm

(Another song so "us"... our love was unconditional... we shared a lifetime of love and laughter in our short time together... You made so many of my dreams come true! as I you and our love was true... You were a miracle to me, which even after September you told me I was for you- so sweet-... You did make my life so special all the way up until your last breath, but really, you continue to do so... We did live and make each and every moment count!... And, your love I will carry with me for the rest of my life and I will always love you...)