Fly to Jesus and live!

Cody,
Yesterday was hard- very emotional. I held it in for the most of the day, but as usual, love always wins and the tears came. Not only for it being Easter, but for the usual weekend re-living that I go through, of your last weekend here. And, today is exactly a month from your funeral. That is so hard to believe. The girls were so sweet to have me an appt set up, so that I could get all fixed up for you. I would have been a total mess if not for them. I amazingly was able to get dressed and keep it all together during most of the service. My nerves were shot. For many reasons and especially because I knew I was going to read that poem in front of everyone. As people were being seated, the songs that played were:
You're My Best Friend- Tim McGraw
Find Your Wings- Mark Harris
Of course, Kevin sang "I Will Rise". I was so moved! I read the poem. Then, Jessie spoke. And then, Andrew. We watched the DVD after that. Then, Larry did such a great job of honoring your memory with special stories and memories shared. The hardest part was to come... going back up to the casket and seeing your body... walking away... While everyone was going by the final time, the songs that played were:
Homesick- MercyMe (that's when I lost it!)
If You Get There Before I Do- Collin Raye
Finally Home- MercyMe
When You Say Nothing At All- Allison Krauss
In some ways, it feels like it was just yesterday and in others, it seems like so much more than just a month has passed by. It feels like forever ago that I got to see you, touch you, hear you, kiss you... This is the hardest thing!
And then... of all things... I went to get in the vehicle after the funeral service when we were going to be headed to the cemetery and dad says, Guess which way we are going? I said, Cody's way? He had some tears in his eyes and shook his head yes. I said, So you asked them to go that way? And he said, No, that's just the way they are going. I hopped out of the vehicle to go share the info with Darrell and James. Driving there... while on 412, we seen one of your old trucks. No joke! Then, Dad was saying, Isn't this just how Cody would have wanted to go? I said, I know, I can't believe this... So, of course after the final time with you there at the cemetery... we came back home "your way." That's usually how I go out to the cemetery each time and now any time I go that way, I usually go your way, just as we were over the past months that you were here with us.
We posted the DVD in 2 parts to share with everyone, but because of one song, the 2nd part was deleted. We may try to figure something out about that. The songs on the DVD are:
I Knew I Loved You- Savage Garden
Roll With Me- Montgomery Gentry
Back At One- Brian McKnight
You're The Inspiration- Chicago
When You Say Nothing At All- Keith Whitley
So many learned so much about you at the funeral. So many learned so much about our lives- our love- our faith! So many were impacted that day! That place was full!!! You would have been amazed! Some lives have never been the same since.
I have still been listening to all of these tapes I made for you. I need to listen to the few that you gave me... where you recorded having special songs dedicated to me on the radio : ) I'll get to them soon. I need to have something special done with our wedding video, too. And, the wedding shower is on there. We watched that not long after the funeral... just a couple days or so... I know that Zane was watching that other DVD so much that I was going to show his something different. It's funny because some of the time he has a hard time recognizing us when we were younger.
I just got some copies of pics in the mail today from Sarah. I'm hoping to gather up as many as I can.
Part of me is still having a hard time accepting that this is true... that you are really gone. Mentally I know it, but my emotions... I still slip on your shoes to go to the mailbox, just as I always did... I'm probably going to start going through some stuff this week. Part of me wants to and part of me doesn't.
I did finish that one book and it was very good. I suggest it to others when I get the chance and I may read it again at a later time. I did get a new one to start, but haven't just yet, plus mom had one that she's letting me borrow. Sometimes reading helps me keep my sanity.
Back to yesterday... wow. I became overwhelmed with memories... Going to church was a big deal. Being there without you. Us being married there. Being baptized. Going to the marriage enrichment class. VBS times. Playing in the nursery with the kids. Just, everything! And we sang a couple of songs, that I could swear I could hear your voice singing. It was hard, but at the same time, brought me comfort. Communion was hard because we would always sit there and do it together... I don't know. It was definitely hard. Just driving there was hard... Going without you. And, then a song came on the radio that had been part of your dedication on KLRC. Lo and behold, that same song came on when we were coming home that evening. But, being at mom's... all of those memories! I had flashbacks of just last Thanksgiving. Not just the time spent at mom's, but the whole entire day. Grandma Clara's. Eating, laughing, loving! And yesterday there was so much food- you know how that is- stuff you would have enjoyed as always. Even eating some of the stuff you always loved is hard for me. Living without you is more difficult than I can express....
I'm just so glad that you lived your life the way you did. Not letting any moment pass you by. Others are now doing the same because of knowing you... because of how you lived... because of me sharing all of this about you and about us and our love and our faith!
I think me and the kids may get out of the house for a while today.
Jason said it so good when he said that, "You left your mark on this world in ways that are still unfolding." That is so true!
I'm still carrying your love with me!
1-2-3-4,
"Fi"

Here is that song by Chris Rice:

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!