To you, Cody

Cody,
I don't know how to go very long without "talking" to you. I talked to you soooo much every day over the past 10 years! I am honestly not having a very good day. Here it is again- another Sunday. All of the events of 'that' Sunday are flooding my mind... I talked to dad yesterday about starting up your crotch rocket since its been awhile and he went to do so this morning... My skin crawled just to hear it running and then Zane got so excited... I'm not sure what all he was thinking? But, he was like "vroom-vroom" and rushed to the window to see. I told him "yes, that's daddy's bike" and he said, "daddy." I said, "yes, daddy's." I held it together ok for just a short time and then tears filled my eyes and my heart was struck with great pain. Zane has been doing some of the cutest things and I know you would get such a kick out of him! Kadee is getting so big now and doing so much that you wouldn't even believe it! I miss you more than I can say. Here the tears come again... sheesh. Look what you are doing to me Mr Pickering : ) Not long after 'the rocket' incident, for whatever reasons, my mind was overcame with talks we had before, over the past years and up until recent. Like the many times you would tell me that if anything happened to you, you knew that I could find someone else. What came to me so strongly, was one of our conversations just last July and August, after having Kadee, when I was trying to figure out what to do? I knew I didn't want anything permanent done... I wasn't ready for that yet... And, you told me : "No, you shouldn't do that because if anything ever happens to me, you might want to have a baby with someone else." Of course immediately I said, "what? Don't talk like that- nothing is going to happen to you..." I knew we wouldn't live forever here, but I thought we would grow old together. I thought we would watch Zane and Kadee grow up and then have our time together again, just us, after they were gone from home. I guess most normal people think that's how their lives might play out. Although, in today's world, most are already prepared for divorce before they even get married! I just can't believe some of the stuff that goes on... What are people thinking? You and I were never that way though. We were always, different. Thank God we were. I have so many precious memories to hold on to. It's like you gave me enough love to last my lifetime! I am lonely, but not just lonely for someone or anyone, I'm lonely for you. I haven't been able to sleep in our bed ever since you passed. There are some things that I just can't do yet, if ever. Yesterday when it snowed, of course I was thinking of our last snow when you were playing out with Zane in the back yard and then I was thinking about the ice storm... and our fun times then. Seriously, we had fun, didn't we? We always made the best out of any situation. I am so thankful for the time we had together after September because I know many never get that opportunity. I do praise God for that. You were healthy, you were you! I love you and think of you every second of every day... "Fi" (By the way, Buddy and Precious really miss you too. I'm trying to give them extra attention!)