(Just sharing some bits and pieces...Maybe this will help some of you...)

The Experience of Grief
Coping With Your Loss
By Diana J. McKendree

The grieving process is natural. It is a long-term process- not logical or linear in any way. In order for us to heal, we must give ourselves and others permission to "experience the experience." If we try to replace our losses without identifying, expressing and honoring our feelings, we may discover anxiety and loneliness. Each person's pattern is unique, and every phase and stage is a part of our personal experience.

This process does not have a definite time frame. The length of your grief, and the intensity, will depend upon the relationship you had with the deceased and the circumstances of death. Many expect to be over it in a few months, yet the grieving process may last two to four years, or more. This does not mean you will be in the pits of despair the entire time, but it does mean you may experience waves of emotion on anniversary dates, significant days and during the holiday seasons.

The Spiral

Perhaps the best way to understand grieving is to imagine standing in the middle of a large spiral, made up of every conceivable experience and emotion. You have no way of knowing what will jump out at you, with what intensity or in what combination. This can be terrifying!

When someone dies we grieve the present, the past and what might have been in the future.

You may feel like you are going crazy, yet are afraid to ask the question.

We begin to experience our deepest pain as we remember.

If you love deeply, you will grieve deeply.

"Grief Work"

We must "work" at acknowledging and releasing our feelings as we struggle to make sense of our experience. We are seldom prepared for the intensity of our feelings and responses. We do not expect to feel physically weakened, but exhaustion may follow even the lightest work schedule. It is important to get plenty of rest.

What Should I Expect to Feel?

*Anger
*Guilt
*Relief
*Depression and Sadness
*Physical Pain

Death of a Spouse

When your spouse dies, you are no longer a part of a couple. You find yourself single and alone. Your entire identity changes, as well as society's reaction toward you. You shared your hopes, dreams, fears and losses with someone who is no longer present to offer support and understanding. You may ask, "Who am I now?"

For the young widow or widower the situation is usually complicated further. The task of earning a living, taking care of children and being widowed when your peers are not, can be overwhelming.

Practical Suggestions

When faced with loss and death, we search for ways to regain a sense of control in our lives. There are no magic guidelines. However, the following suggestions may help as you search to find solid ground.

1. Talk about the person who died and encourage others to do so.
2. Attend a support group. You will meet others who have experienced a similar loss and can offer support.
3. Select reading materials that offer you understanding and comfort.
4. Start a journal, recording your thoughts, feelings and experiences.
5. Have one planned activity each day.
6. Be open to new friends who will see you as independent from the deceased, but also maintain your established community of friends.
7. Be aware that you are under extreme stress and that your body needs extra rest. If you cannot sleep, continue to maintain your regular rest patterns.
8. Notify your physician about your situation. Plan to have a check-up within three months of your loss.
9. Postpone making important decisions for at least one year, if possible.
10. Avoid eating junk food. You especially need balanced meals at this time.
11. Limit your use of alcohol, drugs, caffeine and tobacco. They rob your body of vitamins, decrease blood circulation and depress your ability to control emotions.
12. Get professional help if needed. Frequently, a limited commitment to working with a grief therapist will be helpful.

Oh Cody, missing you very much. You're on my heart and mind constantly. I'm so thankful for knowing you and for you loving me... Zane and Kadee miss their daddy. They know that something just isn't quite right. I give them lots of kisses and hugs from the both of us : ) Goodnight Googlybear.