How am I?

I am not having a very good day so far... I cried myself to sleep last night. Literally. As it got later, I was just re-living 'that' Sunday night. Anxiety was building up inside of me... I thought of how everything played out and all that I said to him and all that I felt then, as if I were back in that moment... Once Zane got up this morning, first thing, he ran to the TV saying "Daddy, Daddy" wanting to watch that DVD, so I turned it on and that's when my heart started to ache in great pain. I was already sick to my stomach as it was... And now having pains in my heart. Again, literally.
Everyone seems to want to know how I am? But, really? To be honest, I am not doing very good. Saying I am "ok" is so much easier than going into it. I am lost, broken, confused! I do have to live minute to minute most of the time. People want to ask me about things of the future that I can't answer. They want to ask me about tomorrow and I can't even answer. I feel that life has lost all meaning.... That nothing seems to make sense! Then, I'm accused of forgetting about Zane and Kadee. Of course, I have not forgot about them! I am with them all of the time. They are my will to live, but they don't just magically make everything better. Nothing seems to. It is what it is. I am tired of people trying to "fix" me. I need to just be. I have some moments where I really am ok. Some, I'm not. I'm so worried about trying to prove to everyone that I am ok or that I will be, that I think I am going to go crazy! I do not like fake people and I don't want to be one of them. I need to just be me, whoever that even is anymore. Everyone tells me to pray. Do you not think I am praying? I can't even tell you how many times in my day I talk to God! Or maybe I should just eat and sleep and then I would feel better. If it were so easy to just do these things, I would. Just to get out of bed and go, is a big task. I have to make myself keep moving. I am so heartbroken that I could just do nothing. That would be easy. But, you do have a choice and I choose to make myself keep going. I try to do "normal" things every day. It is not easy, at all, but I try. I am doing the best that I can. For all of you who can't even imagine.... I hope you never have to find out. Cody was supposed to be here with me. We were supposed to be raising these kids, as we chose. It was a job with the both of us and how am I going to do it alone? I know I have people helping out... But, for how long? And, it's not the same anyway. I eat because I know I have to, that I should, not because I even want to. Nothing sounds good to me. I have not had a craving or want for anything. I sleep when I exhaust myself, because I don't want to lay around and toss and turn and get all emotional and breakdown. I sleep so that I can try to pick up the next day and go on and take care of Zane and Kadee. I know that my family is here for me. I know that my friends are here for me. I know that many people I've never met are praying for me and that means more than I can say. I don't have a problem talking... I haven't withdrawn, even though sometimes I want to. I don't mind to talk, but most don't want to just hear what I have to say because it is too hard and they want to do something to help me, but won't accept the fact that they just can't. So far, "time" has not been doing anything for me besides making things worse. Maybe I am depressed- would that not be normal? Do I want medicated? No. This is what it comes down to: Flash back to like 3 years ago.... I miscarried, miscarried and miscarried again... Then, I become pregnant with Zane and everything is going along wonderfully and then he comes 7 weeks early, but is healthy and doesn't have to go with the neonatal team there and ready to snatch him away from me.... Oh, and my parents got divorced...Then, shortly after having Zane, I have to have my gallbladder removed.... Then, before I know it, I'm pregnant again, with Kadee... And, a little over halfway through the pregnancy, I start having complications... Then, she was born in June and by the end of July, something was wrong with Cody, we just didn't know what and he was misdiagnosed at the time... Then, by the end of August... Our whole world fell apart... And, just living through September is miraculous, not only for him, but for me, too.... Then, for what happened now to have happened.... I mean, c'mon! I haven't had any time to deal with anything that has happened because there was always something else to do next... Now, I feel like I have a lot of time and it's too much to deal with all at once. Plus, on another note, Cody was there.... He was with me every step of the way. I needed him and I still do, but he isn't here. He would know just what to do or say to make me feel better. He could always get a smile out of me, no matter what! I have lost my soul mate! Many people never even find theirs and we did, so just try to imagine that.... As it creeps closer and closer to 1 month since Cody's passing, I feel so ill. I just want to escape, but can't. I feel like I am trapped. This seems like a nightmare! I know that I am not the only one going through this because I have found a few others the same as me. Ones who can truly relate. And, that means so much to me! Everyone is suggesting I go to a grief support group or something along those lines... Maybe? I don't know yet. I may start counseling... I'm thinking about it. It would be nice to talk to someone who doesn't know me.... who isn't emotionally involved in any way... to hear me out. I am trying to work through all of this. I am so tired. If I say I'm tired, I hear, "well, it's because you never sleep!" Ok, I do sleep some and even if I slept for days, I would still be tired because this is the most draining experience I've ever faced in my life. Despite what everyone says to me, they most all agree on one thing- that I am a strong person. Most are actually amazed with how well I am doing.... Everyone is afraid for me to be alone because I might breakdown or something, but if it's going to happen, it's going to happen. Not literally "have" a breakdown, but just be so upset and need comforting and then nobody would be with me. But, honestly, nothing seems to comfort me anyway. I just have to get through all of this, moment by moment. I try to incorporate more of Cody into myself, so that I can go on. Everyone will say, what do you think Cody would want for you? How do you think Cody would want you to be? I always say that he would understand! Knowing Cody, he would be worse off than me right now. Seriously, he would be. I don't mind advice, I really don't. And, I actually encourage those who have been in my shoes or currently are, to share with me. Talk to me. For all of those who have no idea what this is like, what makes you think you can tell me what I need? I don't even know what I need most of the time. I'm not trying to be hateful, but I am trying to say, that whoever you come into contact with in your lives, just be careful what you do or say. Sometimes, people need to just be.... And, that is ok.

Cody,
As you can tell, I'm not having a good time here at all.... I guess it was just time for a bad day, a really bad day. You know how people liked to try to tell you or me what to do and how that would make us feel. Well, there you go. I'm just doing my best and trying and don't know what else to do and don't feel very good when the best I can do, doesn't seem like good enough. This is just how it is. I'm missing you... My heart is in pain. Big time. Zane saw your cap in the video, but it is the one we buried with you, and he was looking around for it, so I went and found another one of yours and gave it to him. I smelled of it. It smells like the garage- like a mechanic- like oil and all that stuff- like you. It's that smell that I'd always tell you about that you'd say, what do I smell like? One that is hard to put into words, but is just so you. I won't be washing that cap, I can tell you. Sometimes I still sleep in your t-shirts. The few that were always "mine". The ones I claimed! It's like everything is still the same, except you're not here with us. I haven't brought myself to do anything differently. I love you.
"Fi"

"The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them." Psalm 145:17-19 NIV