Hope

Cody,
I am missing you so much! The other night Zane was crying "Daddy, Daddy" and not to watch the DVD. He misses you! I just held him tight and told him "I know. I wish Daddy was here, too." with big tears in my eyes. My heart even as broken as it is can still break even more. That was one of those moments. The next morning he did want to see the DVD. Zane has been really reaching out to guys- he needs and wants that male attention. He actually refused a 4-wheeler ride night before last- can you believe it? I can just because he always wanted to be with you. He felt safe with you. He trusted you. Maybe I can get him to ride with me soon. I know that's what you would be doing right now... already would've been doing. The weather has been beautiful this week. You loved summer time and it's definitely hard without you here. I see all of these 'crotch rockets' and think of you. Zane always notices, too. I was looking at some pictures and I just can't believe how much Kadee has grown since you have died. The last time you seen her she was still so tiny compared to what she is now. She's standing up. She's pulling up to stuff. She's working on "crawling-crawling" instead of this lazy kind of way she's been doing it. (even though that's so cute!) I see fathers and daughters together and fathers and sons and it rips out a little piece of me every time.
I had 2 counseling sessions yesterday. I gained some more perspective last night- that was very interesting. I know that I was getting nervous while waiting and seemed to be way out of any comfort zone... but I did it anyway. I have had to learn to do so much by myself and it's not getting much easier. I've just never been one to want to be alone or do things alone. Right now, I don't have much else choice. I know that our love is impressive! Apparently I am many things that I don't realize. And even if I do realize, it's not anything special to me because it's just the way I am. But thanks to so many sharing their opinions- from family, friends and complete strangers- I am starting to understand that how I am is very special and something that is not seen all that often. What it's like is all of the things you always told me and always seen about me and noticed and loved- everyone else is now aware of these things. I am said to be an inspiration and so is our love. I know that was never in our thoughts that we would be or could be such a thing, but I'm glad that I can be defined that way- one of the ways I can be known and ultimately, be remembered.
I woke up yesterday morning feeling so emotional and the day before I had stayed busy as to not be crying all day, so I took off again with a busy agenda. Nancy and I walked around the park for about 2 hours. We were so tired when we stopped. I had worn flip-flops, bad idea, so my feet were killing me. We had such a good time though and I got to express myself even more. I had been so devastated by the fact that memorial weekend was this coming weekend- I had thought that it wasn't until the next weekend. I decided to go on and go to the cemetery for you. I had the special basket of flowers made for me by the flower shop and all of the many other flowers already and it was such a beautiful day that I just wanted to go on and go. I took my time. I placed the flowers in certain ways. I had trouble getting the shepherd's hook into the ground to hold the hanging basket, so David came out and helped me. That was the last thing that was done- the basket of flowers that I asked them to make to match what your casket spray had been. It's not the exact same flowers because some of them were too hard to find in silk, but I told them the main thing was the same color scheme. Yellow. Orange. Lime green. Of course, there are 4 red roses. 1-2-3-4! It turned out very nice! Your spot looks beautiful and I know that many more are coming to decorate. I'll be out there again soon. Maybe today. Julie is coming to visit us and I thought I might ask her if she wanted to run out there. If she doesn't, that's ok and if she does, then we will.
On the way home from the cemetery, I was wrapped up in my own thoughts and then all of a sudden on KLRC, I heard a song start that I didn't recognize, but loved immediately. The music is what caught me first off. Then I listened and engulfed every single word! I started getting all teary-eyed almost immediately after the lyrics started and then I started to cry my eyes out and then by one point, I was practically just sobbing. The way the man's voice was and when... the way he was emphasizing certain phrases... oh my gosh! This was just another God-send! I called Katrina right away to see if she had just heard it! She had been listening... When I went to counseling last night, he had heard that same song and thought of me! When I talked to Shannon and was starting to tell her of my experience, she knew what the song was before I even said much of anything. She also had thought of me when she heard it. "I bet I know what song it is" she said. "Always." And, let me tell you, the guy was talking about where the song came from and the fact that when we go through really hard times in our lives, sometimes we do wonder, "Does God really exist?" Everything that man said about the song after it played, spoke straight to me. I have to share the lyrics:

Always- Building 429

I was standing in the pouring rain
One dark November night
Fighting off the bitter cold
When she caught my eye
Her face was torn and her eyes were filled
And then to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph
And my heart just stopped inside
She said, he would have been three today
I miss his smile, I miss his face
What was I supposed to say?

But I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

He was living in a broken world dreaming of a home
His heart was barely keeping pace
When I found him all alone
Remembering the way he felt
When his daddy said goodbye
Fighting just to keep the tears
And the anger locked inside
He's barely holding on to faith
But deliverance is on its way

(Chorus)

Friend, I don't know where you are
And I don't know where you've been
Maybe you're fighting for your life
Or just about to throw the towel in
But if you're crying out for mercy
If there's no hope left at all
If you've given everything you've got
And you're still about to fall
Well hold on, hold on, hold on

(Chorus)

He will be with you always
He will be with you always
He will be with you always
He will be with you

I found a quote about this song from Building 429 on http://www.jesusfreakhideout.com/:
"There is a moment in each of our lives that will undoubtedly define our existence from that point on. Some of us have already faced it, and some of us are still awaiting ours. The moment when, for the first time, we stare injustice in the face. When an innocent child is murdered, when a father walks out on a family, when life seems completely unfair. That moment that undoubtedly brings us to our knees to ask the question: "God, where are you?" If we listen closely, I believe He would say: "My child, I am before you. I will be long after you, and always I will be with you." This is the true story of two people who faced that very question and found peace in the storm in the truth that God is with us."

See how God has been speaking to me Cody. He has- in so many ways. He has not abandoned me. He loves me. He loves you. He blessed us in ways that there are and never will be words for. Much of what we had is feelings that can't be expressed other than by feeling them and what I hope for others who are inspired by me is to feel. Whatever you feel. Express it. Love! Love is worth everything. It is worth it all. I know. We knew that, didn't we? We learned so much from each other. God was working through us and we knew that. Every time we prayed together... God heard us. And, I know He knows my pain. This unbearable pain. He will be the One to help me. He is the One sustaining my life right now!

I will always love you!
Fi

For those of you who are reading this and I've wondered what my purpose could possibly be? This must all be a part of God's plan for my life! You are not here by chance, however you found out about this page. Why-ever you keep coming back, I'm glad. Through my ups and downs, hope remains. Thank you for following me on this journey. May God bless each and every one of you. There is a reason.... for everything!.... And just remember to... hold on!...