Why?

The kids are in bed and here I am figuring I can blog... I am sick right now. I guess with what everyone else has that's going around... sore throat, coughing, sneezing/runny nose/stopped up & can't breathe, a little achy, headache, slight fever, etc... Blah. Ugh. I was hoping it was just allergies, but it seems to be much more than that...
I got Cody's headstone actually ordered. I was going to preview it first and then pay, but I went on and paid the majority of it on Monday, so that they could get it ordered since it will take about 6 months. They raised me up closer to the top on the preview list, so hopefully I will get to see what it's supposed to look like soon. I will have plenty of time to make any adjustments, if needed.
I also went by the Community Blood Center location in Springdale. Just FYI-
Center Hours
Mon-Wed
Noon- 7pm
Thurs, Fri & first Sat of Month
8am- 2pm
For anyone wanting to donate platelets, remember to call and set up an appt first:
479-927-1200 or Toll Free: 1-866-401-5144
I'll still let you all know how it goes for me. A friend and my brother already plan on doing it, too.
For those of you who donated the day of the blood drive, you can go online www.cbco.org and check your cholesterol results. Mine is normal! Yay! I just checked my dad's for him and for those of you who didn't know your blood type, it displays that also.
Yesterday, Zane and I spent the day at Silver Dollar City with some friends and their son. We really enjoyed ourselves. We had fun! It was so nice of them to want to do that for us and it meant more than I could tell them. I had a few moments that were not easy, but I held it together. On the way home was hard. It is just something about being in this area... it bothers me some times more than others. Whenever we got closer to being home and I was sharing Cody's last couple days and then how I was immediately after and all of that was just almost more than I could bear. My friend was able to share some stories about Cody. I was glad. That was nice. They had worked together for a little while "back in the day." Plus, we all went to school together!
My mom and I had a moment day before yesterday. A big moment. We just cried and cried and hugged each other. I was already sitting down, thankfully and just leaned over on her and lost it! I was fighting it a little at first, but then I just started to completely let it go. It hurt. I hurt. I was filled with pain entirely.
I told her how I just don't understand! When I turned 25, I freaked for a sec because the thought that crossed my mind was, wow- I'm halfway to 50! It was silly, I know, but Cody never even had a chance for anything to cross his mind much because he had just turned 25 and then our entire lives changed... Then, I am so distraught over... well, everything, but Cody and I had some of the best times of our lives after September. I know that is a blessing! But, it also makes all of this that much harder. Cody never let leukemia define who he was. Amazingly, after everything he went through and had to endure, he came out of it, still Cody. He was himself and even better! We crammed a lot of life into the 5 months that he was well! I am so glad we did, but then wonder, why? Why didn't he die in September? Why were we given that extra time? Why did I still have to lose him after all? I do have 'why' on my mind lately and I realize that most of the answers, I will not know while still on this earth, but from previous experiences in my life, I also believe that as life continues to unfold, that some things will become so apparent to me. It's just that I can't see any of that now. I almost feel like it was a tease- it wasn't- but to have him back and for him to be the best in his life and then for him to have to die the way he did... not that it was horrific like it could've been, maybe should've been by some medical standpoints, but it was peaceful and calm, BUT the whole thing is, we never expected him not to come home with us, HE never expected not to come home with us... he was still hanging in there in the hopes that maybe somehow he could pull through again, but I know he realized differently along that last day and that I believe those tears in his eyes were maybe not for only one or the other reason, but maybe for both. He was so sad to be leaving us behind, yet filled with joy for what was to come for himself. I'm sure it broke his heart to be leaving us, but knowing Cody, not even for himself, but probably for us not having him here. He was always looking out for us. We miss him. I miss him. I've been dealing with some anger again lately. It's like I'm mad and I don't know exactly at who or what or why? I just am. Sometimes. All I know is, this really sucks. I told my mom that Cody and I were the real deal! We were in this, forever. We were full of love and I said, you know how much he loved us mom! To which of course she did! I am so absolutely heartbroken that Zane and Kadee will not remember Cody on their own. They will not have their own memories of him. They will know him from what we share of him and the DVD and pictures, etc, but they won't have anything within themselves to pull from... it will all be learned. That is so sad! Almost too heartbreaking for me... I just don't understand. I know, I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm feeling so sorry for the kids. This is not something that can be fixed and I know how many of you wish that you could...
And, maybe I am angry at God! It's just that as I was reading in one book, how when you need God most of all and cry out to him, it's as if He slammed the door in your face. You can't find Him. You can't see Him there. You can't feel Him. I haven't lost my faith in God. I still pray. I pray for others. I pray for myself. I still ask Him to help me... it's just something isn't quite right. I'm sure it's on my end. That night after Cody had died and I was at home, I cried and cried and cried and tears just kept falling and I was like "no, no, no" "why, why, why" "God, didn't you hear me?" "I told you how much we needed him" "Please just take me, too" "I don't want to be here, I just want to be with Cody, please" "I can't take this pain" "God, I know you needed another angel, but why did you have to take mine?" "God, no, God, no" "I just want to be with Cody" "Please God please"... on and on and on... tears are streaming down my face right now as I share this with you. Maybe that's part of the problem is I still wonder some of these things, feel some of these things and just have not said them out loud again. I would grab the phone and stare at his picture. I had sent out a text to everyone to let them know and the phone kept going off almost constantly. With every message, I cried even harder. "Im sorry, i will be here anytime if u need me" "There's not even words to say how sorry i am. My heart just breaks for you... i truly mean this if you need me for ANYTHING please let me know...you have always been such a good friend to me and i pray for strength and gods love to surround you." "I am lost for words but all i know is he was a wonderful man and friend i am sorry melissa and if you need anything let me know i did not think this day would come just happy that we had good memories together i knew i should have came tonight my prayers are for you and his kids and yours and his family i guess god had different plans for him" etc, etc, etc... Gosh, I try to figure out sometimes where all of these tears come from? This hurts so much!

Cody-
If anyone could imagine how much I miss you! I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone and I mean, anyone. I don't know what draws people to read what I write? It is from the heart, yes, but I imagine this is very depressing. My mood is usually not the greatest. I am grieving. I am heartbroken. I am lost. I am confused. I am exhausted. I am lonely. I am really bad off. I know that I can function and I can be out and about and around people, but inside... if they only knew. I don't understand why you're not here? Why this had to happen to you? I again just feel so sorry. You were the whole other half of me- we completed each other. Half of me is missing and the half that's left behind is shattered, so I feel like I am hardly here at all. I just want to be with you. I begged God just to take me, too. I did not want to be left behind. I do not want to be here without you. This is the hardest thing in my life! Life- I don't even like to think about it, talk about it, wonder about it... whatever. Anything. Nothing. Life as I knew it, will never be again. As was told to me, we were getting into the best times of our lives, the highlight, and then it has all came crashing down. I remember telling you that "these are the best times of our lives and we're going to look back someday and wish we could be here again, so lets just make the most of it while we're here in it" We did, too. And, I just want more... I just want more... Why did it have to be you? Not that I wish it on someone else in your place... but why? I am so thankful for you Cody! You have changed my life. I guess because of your death, even more so. I know that there's a bunch of stuff in this world that doesn't matter- I knew that to some extent anyway- but I really, really do now. I hate that this is how I had to find out. I know that God was with us Cody. I felt His presence there with us, the same as I did back in September and the many times of our prayers together... Once the pain took over me, I didn't feel Him any more. I couldn't figure out where He'd gone. I felt abandoned. I kept crying and crying and then I cried out to Him and I got nothing. I know He must have been holding me and I know that He carried me through the day of the funeral and many days since then... Maybe He is just so close to me right now that I don't realize... Cody, my heart breaks for Zane and Kadee. Our children. Our miracles. The only reason I'm a mom is because of you, thank you. Our love is affecting people's lives in so many ways... I'm glad for this. I want all the good to come out of this most devastating experience... I want you to be remembered and I want people to be touched. I pour myself out on here most of the time. It helps me. I think it does. I guess, I don't know what else to do. I miss you. I'll always love you.
Fi