Friday 2/27/09

I had my counseling today. He noticed me definitely being more sad than I have been so far... I guess I can "just be" with different people- depending the person, depending my mood... Funny how he said I seemed so much "heavier", that word holds so much truth.
I had told you all last week that I would have an appt in a week, today, to find out more about my chest pains. Take a wild guess? Anxiety. So, I informed her how I feel about medicine and that I don't think I'm there yet (if ever), that I am grieving and have all of the symptoms that go along with that and I was very honest about everything. I have lost 5 lbs. My blood pressure was 110/80. Everything appeared fine. I told her that I am dealing with enough and really don't need to deal with any side effects on top of that, to which I asked her something about there being anything she could give me with no side effects? Of course she said, everything has side effects. No kidding. So, I am going to try something very simple for a while and see if it helps. (no prescriptions!) I don't have a "sleeping problem", just a problem of onset of sleep. If I get worse, I will go back. She would give me something very mild if and that's a BIG if, but hopefully I can work through all of this myself and with God's help. I am going to keep up my physical activity as much as possible, because that did seem to help and should help me.
I was looking back over this blog. I knew that there were some times "this last time" around that I said I would catch everyone up at another time, but then as things kept going crazy, I never got the chance. For the first time in almost 2 months, I have pulled out my notebook... my journal... I have chills all over me just opening up the pages, especially to where it was... the day of Cody's death... I noticed looking back at this blog that I skipped sharing Friday February 27th, so I think I will do that now. Here goes nothing....

2/27/09 Friday
I am having a very bad morning- again! I had to take Buddy & Precious to a boarding place because I don't know how long Cody is going to be in the hospital, what all is going to happen, who can be where and when, and that is just one less worry. I ran up over the concrete wall! I figured I did extensive damage to the vehicle. It was still driving and appeared ok, I glanced at it, so I kept on my way here. I was in such a hurry!
Cody was given Xanax early in the morning.
9:00 am- I arrived.
Cody had just thrown up. Lost his breakfast. His stomach is still cramping. He is very pale. Tired. Not feeling good.
9:25 am- Director checking in on us
Cody sleeping most of the time. Wakes up for a minute every now and then, but goes right back to sleep.
When someone enters room, he wakes up, but not for long.
His oncologist came by when Cody got sick earlier, so we missed him. Hopefully he will come back...
11:00 am- Vitamin K, Allopurinol, Phenegran
Hooked back up to IV fluids
Nurse said nobody has ever gotten as sick as Cody on chemo that she's seen!
Cody is very bad looking- pale. Feeling bad.
"This is more than a person can take" he said.
Platelets still critically low, but not to point of transfusion.
He's going back to sleep.
11:20 am- ATRA (4 pills) (twice a day)
Dear Heavenly Father,
Please watch over Cody right now as he is so sick and just started the ATRA pills. I am very scared and nervous because of what happened last time. Please take these worries from me and I pray for Cody to tolerate this well. The nurse already said she's never had someone get as sick as Cody, so please just be with us all and surround us with your presence. Amen.
My anxiety is climbing. We thought the ATRA pills would wait until we got home, but they started right now, 4 of them, twice a day. I am praying that what happened last time does not happen again. Cody is so tired right now and I forsee him needing a transfusion. I'm not as overwhelmed as before since we have already traveled this road, but nonetheless, am terrified. I am literally shaking because I am so scared and I just need God to please take this from me. I really need to at least be able to be here and get through this again for Cody and deal with my issues later. I am needed and I am also in need, but am leaning on the Lord for my strength. God, just please be with me at this very moment and in the moments ahead. I know that I can't handle this on my own. Please God, be with the kids, too. They really need you, too. I am in great need of some comfort or I may go into a panic attack or something. I have never had one myself, but have been told what they are like and all I know is right now my insides are going wild! I just can't hardly take this for this is all too familiar and just not far enough from the last time. When you are still dealing with one, how can you deal with yet another? I guess only with God's help. And, I am trusting that, trusting God, for that's all I can do.
Dear Heavenly Father,
I come to you again in prayer to ask that you give me peace right now. I really need you. I am dealing with so much and I know that you know exactly what all I mean. God, you know what I need, so please just be with me. May you keep Cody peaceful and well. Cody is too sick right now to pray for himself, but I and so many others are lifting him up to you. You are the Great Physician and our faith is in you above all else. Thank you for all that you have blessed us with and thank you for loving us. Amen.
Noon- Vital check: BP- 135/90 Temp- 98.7
12:20 pm- Cody still sleeping
12:40 pm- Buzzed nurse. Cody's face broke out in that red splotchy stuff. Going to let Dr know. Brought in ATRA info. Platelets- 21,000
12:50 pm- Nurse said Dr will come to look at Cody. I took a pic in case redness were to go away.
12:55 pm- New IV bag
2:00 pm- (Venting) I got about 3 hours of sleep last night. I'm having anxiety issues. My stomach felt like it was twisted in a ball all this morning, especially on the way over here, especially after running into that wall... Once I seen Cody, some of the nervousness subsided. But to see him so sick and to watch the tears fall from his eyes is almost more than I can bear. That month of September when Cody almost died, I guess in all reality, parts of us both did die along the way. On a daily basis, I have been trying to live and move past that experience and it's something you can't get away from. We are not the same people we were only 6 months ago. I do wonder what will happen to us this time. Cody was completely someone different only 2 days ago. Someone told Cody and I in January, how they've recently discovered more about how and what cancer really does to a family. I don't believe this is something that can be studied. You have to live it to know it. There aren't words for this! This affects the very depths of your souls. Most people have a great fear of cancer anyway- everyone has it, when will it be me? Once you do have it, IT haunts you every single day. Even once you get to a new "normal" and even when there is happiness and laughter... deep inside, there it remains... tormenting you. How can a cure for cancer be found without the cause? It's not all about, how do we cure it? It's about, where does is come from and lets prevent it!
3:50 pm- Nurse gave Cody Phenegran about 20 minutes ago. Getting him ready for chemo. He's been out of it all day. I'm very nervous. He's already this down and getting hit now with more ATRA and one more round of chemo. He's never went to the bathroom the whole time I've been here.
4:00 pm- "Cody, I love you" "Yeah, I love you, too" "Are you ok?" "Yeah, I'm just ready to get out of here."
A very short moment... Couldn't hardly understand him... Today is a whole different world from a few days ago. I've tried talking to him off an on all day, but rarely get a response. So much for the brownies I baked and brought him that he wanted.
4:05 pm- Nurse brought in saline bag. Getting ready for chemo. In about 20 minutes will start Zofran and other meds. Cody said, Hopefully I can sleep through it this time like I did yesterday. (I think that's the most he's said all day)
4:30 pm- Zofran, Ativan, Hydrocodone
Emptied urine- he finally went : )
Was thirsty. Talked a little while.
Nurse said she'd be back in about 30 minutes.
5:15 pm- Start chemo
6:45 pm- Chemo end? (machine didn't beep like it usually does)
8:20 pm- Check vitals: BP- 131/83
8:50 pm- Zofran
9:15 pm- I know that Cody is sick. He doesn't look good and he is feeling many effects from treatments. But, I am encouraged because he is doing so well, compared to what I watched him endure last time.
I pray that he does not get sick tonight- that the medicine is able to control it.
I pray that he gets rest.
I pray for a better day ahead.
I pray for rest for myself.
May God be with us each and every moment as He has been so far and He receive the glory!
God just ease the weight of this burden and keep our spirits uplifted.
Our hearts are heavy and filled with pain, but we are trusting you and feel your love for us even amongst these struggles.
9:25 pm- ATRA and sleeping pill
Added note: Earlier today Nadine came by- chaplain- had prayer- same one that came and prayed with us in CCU in September- so a familiar face
I also doodled this while killing time while Cody was sleeping so much... I was really missing Zane and Kadee!


This song helped me in September... I heard it about every time I was in between the hospital and home for the short amounts of times that I was:

My Savior My God- Aaron Shust

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior

I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

Chorus (2x’s)
My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior’s always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is
My God he's always gonna be

Yes, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

Chorus (2x’s)

(Instrumental)

Chorus: (2x’s)

My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior loves, My Savior lives

Cody,
2 months ago today was our last family day. This week I have spent some time going back to September and back to this last time, THE last time. This has not been easy for me. I love you and I miss you, with every breathe I take. I am trying my hardest. I am. I know that everything is going to be ok... not sure when... or how... but it will be! I got something special ordered today, for Memorial Day. Oh, how I miss your love. I miss your voice, your touch, your smile... your time with the kids and all of the laughter I would hear from the 3 of you! I miss your carefree spirit and how we knew what each other meant with just a glance. We had something so special, you and I. I'll treasure it forever. This entry has been hard for me- the hardest thing I've done in a while. I love you Cody.
Always,
Fi