Very emotional

I am so emotional!

I just got a phone call from a guy who bought a bike from Cody- when I don't know? which one I didn't ask?- and he's lost the title and needs me to meet him to get some paperwork filled out, so he can take it to the revenue office. He told me how sorry he was to hear about Cody and how he had been completely in shock when he found out! He told me that he was just so sorry and I told him thanks. I was completely caught off guard as soon as a guy's voice was on the line asking "Melissa?" and I could tell right away it was not a telemarketer call.... Then he went on to say, "Yeah, I had bought a bike from Cody..."...

(Ok, I had to take a break because I have been totally completely losing it for the past hour or so... I don't know. I haven't kept track of time. I am just barely composed again at this moment.)

The other day I went to the park to try to find my grandma who was there to watch some softball games. I hadn't walked those trails since Cody and I had been there with the kids. That was not easy for me... I wasn't thinking it at the time until I started off and it all came back to me. Not just the last time we were there, but different times before that, too. We walked there quite a bit. We really enjoyed it. One time I was pushing the stroller and he took the bicycle and rode around... he made laps and laps around us : ) What was so weird was like dejavu... an almost identical moment happened the other night as it had one time we were there before, except of course this time Cody was not with us... That was especially hard!

And, then the next day after that, I was close to Highlands Oncology and Washington Regional... I had meant to turn off on Johnson exit, but was off in la-la land I guess and passed it, which aggravated me, but as I kept driving that all too familiar road... I became very uneasy. I was struck with many emotions and as I turned off on the Fayetteville exit and went around the bend and seen the hospital there, it was just almost too much. I thought I could keep it together and maybe go over to Highlands to see a friend since we were so close to it, but if my life depended on it, I couldn't have. I could not go over there. I even went on away from that area for awhile and considered trying to go back, but there was just no way that I could. I have been there since. I have traveled that same road since, but for some reason, this time, it was just too much! See, after September, at all of Cody's follow-up appointments there at Highlands, we could not even look at that hospital. Of course, we could see it out of our peripheral vision, the corners of our eyes, but we could not even look directly at it. Cody wanted to return the cane to them that he didn't need any more, but could not even look over there, let alone, step foot back in that place. He finally, after months, got brave and we ran over there and he hurried in there, dropped it off with the first hospital staff person he came into contact with and almost ran out of there. I had offered to do it for him, even though I had no desire at all to either, but he wanted to do it- needed to do it- and he did.

My cousin is graduating tonight. I want to go. I need to pull it together at least long enough to try to get ready. I actually just a few minutes ago came up with a good idea for something for him. I need to try to do it if I have time. I know how much Cody missed his dad. I know, whether verbalizing it or not, how much my cousin must miss his dad. This is all so hard! Something about graduation is bothering me anyway, by itself, I guess I keep thinking back to mine... that was the night for Cody and I.... That was the night the walls came crumbling down around my heart and I realized many, many things about Cody and myself and us.... That night, my life changed. For the better.

Cody,
I miss you so much. Beyond description. I love you so much. Always.
More than words,
Fi