...horrible...

I was going to start off by saying that tonight will be the first night since Cody's death that I have stayed at home by myself (and the kids of course)... but, it will not be the whole night, only until 2:00-3:00 am.

Let me try to catch you all up on the past few days... Graduation was hard. The main speaker was Cody's PCP. Yes, I'm serious! I had forgot to bring kleenex and my grandma didn't have any, so I had to try my hardest not to fall apart... seeing him was hard, hearing him talk was hard.... I was thinking of the time that Cody and I had went to see him after September. Just because. I thought about when I had called the medical center first thing that day that Cody died when they opened to tell him. I was fighting the big tears in my eyes... I put my head upwards, trying to keep them in my eyes...eventually they started to fall and I just kept wiping them away. Cody would've given him such a hard time about many things, so I did approach him afterwards and gave him a little bit of a hard time for Cody. I had been so upset that day anyway and so tense that my back and shoulders were killing me. During graduation, I had to keep squirming around in the chair... afterwards, while standing, I had to keep moving around... I was in a lot of pain. I lost it all the way home! (and then some) I thought about how hard it was for Cody that his dad had not been at his graduation and how my cousin must have wished his dad could be there... I imagined what life would be like for Zane and Kadee... all the times without their daddy...

Earlier that day when I left to get together the gift for my cousin, I ran straight into a book that I had debated getting while in Little Rock that weekend, but hadn't... I did this time. I started reading it that night after Graduation. Glimpses of Heaven by Trudy Harris

When Saturday came around, I was a mess! I signed one of my friends guestbooks with words I needed to hear myself... Then came the time to meet that guy, remember?, the one who had bought the bike from Cody. That was hard! He pulled out the title where it had Cody's handwriting where he filled out everything... I had to fill out a paper and then sign another... on the one I had to put the name of the deceased... oh, that was so hard! After they left, I lost it! I was about to go crazy, so I had to get out that day. I ended up at a friend's house. I spent many, many hours there. We talked- just about almost anything! It was good I think for the both of us. Later when her husband came home, the 3 of us talked quite some time about Cody. I enjoyed that. I was there until after 3 am... I got home and crashed! I was up on Sunday morning by 7:00 am!

My dad, grandma, me and the kids went on a road trip. We went to Big Brutus. Cody would've really liked that! My dad and I talked quite a bit about Cody yesterday. We were gone most all of the day, so that helped me to get through yet another day. Lately, days are harder to get through. Much harder. I feel like when the nurse told me that what they were doing for Cody was like a band-aid, just temporary, that's what is happening for me. I can get these temporary fixes or whatever you want to call them and lately, they are very temporary, because I cry about all the time! I made it through yesterday... smiled... took lots of pictures... stayed busy...still had Cody constantly on my mind... still felt so much pain...and then today came!

Today=horrible!

I was feeling it... so sad... then it all came to surface! I came across a countdown ticker that I have saying it was only 21 days to our 7-year anniversary. I had cried my eyes out... pulled myself back together again... and got busy with the kids and couldn't get to the phone (good thing) because it was from the hospital, Washington Regional, leaving a message for Cody... blah, blah, blah... Are you kidding me? I was stunned! My reaction was sadness and anger combined! I was crying and called a couple of people and asked, "Don't they know he is dead?" I'm sure they want their $20-thousand something dollars! Money.

I had grief group tonight. I got very emotional on the way over there. I got very emotional during group. I think tonight was the most I have ever shared. Well, what all I could say through all of my tears and choking up...It was very hard for me as this whole past week has been... It's back to just getting through moment to moment...

Many of my friends and people I don't even know are opening up to me- sharing their lives, their feelings, their very personal stuff and I hope that I help in some way. I hope that I am a safe place for them to go. I hope that I make a difference. I know I am a good listener. I know that I care about people. I know that I am very honest and sincere. I'm not sure why so many are sharing so much, but I am glad that it is happening. I guess we can just help each other through it! I love to talk- most of the time anyway. I have been told that: I have a strength that I don't even realize- I am most of the time still optimistic even after everything I have been through and am currently going through- I am inspirational- I am so real- and that our love was just something not many ever experience. I heard all of these kind of things after Cody died, but just recently have been told so again by several. Thank you.

To my dear Cody,

21 days. I can't believe it. I don't know yet what I will do that weekend? I honestly can't even imagine how hard this is going to be for me. I know that we would've done something really special. Funny how "special" to some people is really doing something big or spending a lot of money or going far away or whatever. All our times were special. No matter what we did. I guess we really were simple people. I miss all the simplicity to life. My life. Our life. It's like every which way I turn now, things are so complicated! I've never been one to like to make big decisions. Not that anyone does. I had to make some of the biggest decisions of my life- already. I am also one who doesn't like to do stuff alone- neither did you. We were always there for one another. I miss you so much. I feel it all the time and I can think it and blog about it, but lately when I try to talk about you, about how I feel, about anything... I just lose it! I can't hardly keep it together any more. I'm an emotional mess! There have been so many in that group, even after all that they have been through, that feel so sorry for me. They say they just "can't imagine". This past week has been rough, really rough. I don't know what emotion in existence that I have not felt during this time. I was told that months 4-6 can be really tough. Yeah, something. I still have all of your stuff. How it was. Where you left it. When you left it. The lawnmower has been used to mow the yard of course... The little set that was your dad's that you wanted passed on to Zane is here in the house with me... I haven't figured out what or when or how to do anything differently with any of your stuff. You are everywhere! Stuff or no stuff. I love you so much and think about you all the time. I just cry all the time... not literally every single second, but lately, just so so so much. My eyes hurt. I'm tired. I can't sleep. I've been sick. So, I didn't feel good on top of that and you weren't around to take care of me. I have loved talking about you and sharing memories and then I just miss you even more. Wow, have you made a difference in so many lives! I know that ever since you died, so much has changed. So many are working on changing. People are taking more pictures. People are spending more time with their families. People are working on their marriages. People are saying I love you more and not getting mad over little stuff. People are trying to loosen up and laugh more and grasp all of life's little moments. People are realizing that anything can happen to us at anytime and are trying to make the most of the time they have and with all the people they can share it with. Old friendships are being renewed and new friendships are forming. I mean, the list could go on and on. I am witnessing all of this happening all around me! It is... amazing! This last week I have been spending my days looking out through all of my tears. So, you know I haven't been able to hardly see... my contacts are all blurry... You should see how puffy my eyes are. I am exhausted. You'd be thinking, well go to bed. Get some sleep. I wish it were so easy. Nothing's easy lately. I realized as sad as this is, that the only routine stuff I have going on in my life is my counseling and grief group. That is like the only constant thing I have. I do sleep and I do eat, etc, etc, but not in any routine. I have no schedule whatsoever. I still try to have the kids on some kind of schedule, but myself, no. You know it's got to be bad for me to be like that : ) Seriously though... this is the hardest thing I could ever imagine... I've never found 'trying' so hard... trying to live. I am still here. I am trying. I am doing the best that I can do. I seem to find strength that God is giving to me... and I also can pull together strength to do things for you. Everyone wants to tell me that you would want me to be happy and that you would want me to keep on... but I just always ask, but how? How can I? How do I? And it never fails that the sun sets and then it rises again... I love hearing of everyone's memories of you! Some are afraid it might upset me or something like that, but usually I smile and laugh and it brings me happiness. I like to talk about you and hear about you and to know that others think about you and miss you. So many miss you Cody. More than you could imagine! I am reading this book right now and so far it's really good. I guess all of them that I've read so far are good! This is the most I've read in so long, but it helps me to pass the time and try to get sleepy enough to just fall on to sleep. I am so lonely in so many ways. I miss talking to you. We had quite a connection! I've learned so much about our relationship by so many others talking about theirs. I knew it was special, but so much more special than maybe I did know. I don't know. It's just that to us we weren't doing anything way out of the ordinary or unusual or whatever, but so many just don't have we have, I mean had, or do stuff like we did or just so many things. Who knows? Maybe that will change. I hope so. Life is just too short! I'm trying to help others in any way I can. Usually it's just by sharing more about us... and our love! My heart hurts so much...

Loving you,

Fi