Keep Praying

Last night Cody nicked himself while shaving... He broke out in the splotchy patches again throughout the night... And, was very tired and having quite a bit of back pain.
This morning, the spot that he nicked had started bleeding again on its own. He looked pale to me and just like he didn't feel good. He's determined to work on his truck, so he left and he came back home for lunch. He looked really bad, the worse I've seen him in a long time, as soon as he walked through the door. He disappeared and I thought maybe he went to take a shower or something... After a while, I went to check on him and he was lying in bed and I asked if he was ok? He told me that his back was killing him and he was really tired and he's just getting tired of feeling this way. He didn't know if he could get back up out of bed and he was thinking of taking a pain pill, but I told him if he did that he better not drive any more for the day. He told me that he didn't want to take the pill because he was going back to do more work on his truck. He got himself up out of bed while I was fixing his lunch (he requested breakfast for lunch) and came into the living room and he just looked flat out terrible. I encouraged him to just rest and work on his truck another day or when he felt better, but he insisted on eating and going back to work on it. (He can be stubborn!) So, I asked if he thought he had fever, I mean, he really didn't look well and he told me, "nah, I don't think so"... But, I wanted to check him anyway and as soon as I touched him, I knew he did and he was running a low fever. I gave him Tylenol in hopes to help the fever and maybe make a slight difference in his back pain, although later he told me, it never even touched his pain. After he ate lunch, he said he felt a bit better and I was sitting there on the couch and he came towards me and then he almost fell! I asked him what happened and he said that he got dizzy, that he's been "doing that a lot lately." He is having trouble staying focused sometimes and remembering. He said, "my memory's shot!" Today he had much concern about his situation.... And, I think fear is creeping its way in... I was very worried about him leaving, but he did leave and came back home later this evening and was absolutely dead tired! Worn out! He still didn't look well at all. He was running a slight fever again. I had a casserole in the oven and he was hungry, which I said, "thank goodness you still have an appetite at least" but he was so tired all at the same time that he almost went on to bed... I asked him to just wait 20 more min for the casserole to be done, he could eat and then do whatever he needed to do. Needless to say, he perked up some after dozing off for a very short nap and stayed awake until now.
Waiting has been so hard for us- not knowing. It hasn't been a big deal before, until this time... All of these symptoms... All of these signs...But, of all things to say to me, I said something referring to "tomorrow" and he told me, "If I make it through the night." That says enough in itself about how he is feeling....
We are going through the same conversations we had back in July and August... Like yesterday morning when he was blaming his back pain on our bed. When you have a pain, you know there must be a reason for it, so you try to find it. We've already been there and did all that. I only wish it were so simple...
I sent a text to some, asking for prayers and I knew if I could dig down deep inside that I could pull myself together enough to post this message. All I know is, keep praying. Anyone who is very close to me knows that I am going through a really hard time right now. At night it is always the hardest because it is quiet. When I am busy and going all day doing this and that, I'm ok. At night, when the kids are sleeping and it's quiet and still...I have to deal with many thoughts and many emotions. I am a "thinker" anyway and I've always wished there was an "off" switch. If I could just turn off my thoughts for a while... the racing thoughts... But, of course, there is no such thing and I just try to give it all to God, even though as some I have talked to lately agree.... that is very hard to do. Fully trusting God, fully letting go and letting Him have it all... We are human and want to hold on to part of it, we want to have control over some of it and the truth of it is, we don't have any control over any of it. God is in control. We must always keep in mind that all we see is such a small picture... He sees the large one. Everything does happen for a reason and whatever we're facing right now, there is a purpose for it, whether we know what it is or not.
I learned a long time ago in my life that you have to be realistic. Sometimes it isn't just about being optimistic or pessimistic, but realistic. I don't know what is going on with Cody, but I know something is not right and it is very similar to what we already just went through before... But, I just try to take care of my family and go through each day, until the results come in, so we can at least know something then... I'm not going to say that the leukemia is back... I'm also not going to say that he just has some form of virus or whatever that is making him this sick... I am accepting the reality of all that this might be.... Many that surround me are in complete denial or nonacceptance of the possibility of anything per say "bad" going on, but even as much as I don't want to hear it- I know that this is more than any kind of paranoia or overreaction... Others around Cody are noticing things... Not just me. I find a comfort in that knowing at least I'm not going crazy, but also more fear in the fact that whatever it is, is becoming more and more noticeable....
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1 NIV
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 NIV
"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1 Peter 5:10 NIV
A song that I did not discover until after Cody got out of the hospital- one that is now very near and dear to me...
Bring the Rain-MercyMe
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty