Hold Fast

We had a special time last night... Nothing really out of the ordinary.. which I guess is what made it so special!
We woke up this morning and just held each other tight... wanting to stay in that moment for as long as possible, but knowing that you can't stop the inevitable. We got around early... waited to hear from the nurse... when many thought we were probably at the hospital- we still hadn't even heard from the nurse- not that we were complaining about it, either. She called in the late morning and my mom was on her way to watch the kids. Problem. We still don't know how... We had not talked of leaving, we hadn't put our shoes on, we didn't say the word "bye-bye" and Zane disappeared off into his room and came running out with his shoes and coat and came right up to me handing me his shoes wanting me to help him put them on. My heart shattered into a million pieces in that moment. I said, sweetie, you don't want to go with mommy and daddy this time. Meme is coming over to play with you today... He insisted, saying "shooose, shooose" and placing them in my hands again. My eyes were filled with tears and I told Cody "I just can't do this. He wants to go and we're going to have to take him with us. I can't leave him like this." We couldn't leave him behind. So, Cody put Zane's shoes on and coat and I had called my mom back warning her of the current situation to which she thought she might could help once she arrived. No such happening. She tried distracting Zane- getting him to go get his toys, his cars, anything- to which he ran and got his blanket and headed for the door, looking at Cody and I like ok, I'm ready! C'mon lets go! This was killing me! So, I ran back into his room, grabbed a bag, threw tons of stuff in it, raided the kitchen getting him lots of snacks and picked out some of his favorite toys. I realized that I guess since all this happened before, Cody and I have never left our house together, without Zane and Kadee being with us. Cody can be gone and I home or the other way around, but we have never left together and left them behind, at our house, with someone else, since all of what happened before... So, off the 3 of us went! (after long embraces from my mom and some shared tears and Zane waving bye-bye smiling so big and excited he was coming with us)
We were not in a hurry to get to the hospital as you can imagine and in all the waiting in the morning on the nurse to call and being busy with the kids, Cody and I never got anything to eat. We went for a brunch I guess you could say. We arrived at the hospital at 11:30am, signed in and waited to do paperwork. During the paperwork process, the lady asked if we needed a tour of the place to which I said, no, we know this place all too well and Cody told her that he had been there for a month and almost died there and didn't really want to come back. Awkward moment. She went on with the paperwork....
Cody was admitted... he was wheelchaired to his room on the 4th floor and we were there for about 30 minutes or so before the nurse finally came in. She had no idea we were there- she had been to lunch and no one had told her... As soon as she came in the room, many bad memories came back because she was the first one to take care of Cody when he was first admitted to that hospital, to which the oncologist at the time sent Cody home (we felt due to no insurance and holiday weekend, which we did get a different oncologist after that ordeal- I have no respect for that man!) Anyway, she of course remembered us... After my reaction that day, I was probably hard to forget! Cody's blood pressure was 160/101, she was concerned to which we convinced her that it had been high yesterday due to all of this going on and that's probably why it was high again. She asked what exactly had happened yesterday and he said, finding out I had to come back here! And, I said yes, the high blood pressure is probably totally stress/anxiety related.
At 1:40pm, Cody had lab drawn. 4 vials. The guy remembered him, too. So, now 2 familiar faces. Then, we were waiting on them to come and get him to put in his PICC line. We were told it could be around 2:30pm... but, "could be earlier, could be later". Cody was dreading this part because last time when he had the PICC line placed, he lost a lot of blood and seen that everywhere and his heart went into Afib, that day we ended up then on the 3rd floor, Cody having tests done on his heart and he felt he was going to die and we had Zane and Kadee rushed to us so he could see them for what we thought may be the last time, at that time. But, I reassured him that he was in such better shape this time than last and that surely would not happen all over again. (the nurse was a little concerned and was going to give them a heads up before they took him down there)
They actually showed up at 2:00pm and wheeled him away in his bed with Zane and I waving bye bye to daddy, telling him we would see him real soon and we loved him. At 2:45pm, Cody was back with us. For a second, when I first seen his face from a distance, I seen him wearing the oxygen nose piece. I panicked inside wondering what had happened and then I looked again and there was no oxygen! I think I was having a flashback- I'm really not sure what that was.... He had done well, his arm was just very sore!
At 3:30pm, the nurse came in and gave him some medicine to protect his kidneys and started IV fluids and then said they would start monitoring his input/output.
At 4:30pm, his blood pressure was 132/83, much better than earlier.
At 5:00pm, Cody felt like he might be running fever. He was warm to the touch, so we had his temp checked, but it was 97.7. He was given a hydrocodone for his pain. I found out the nurse had turned the room up to 80 degrees and that was why he was so hot in there and why I had been feeling so warm myself. So, I adjusted it.
At 7:00pm, shift change, they checked his vitals and his blood pressure was 123/100. (eek, high on the bottom again) Yet another familiar face... she was commenting how cute Zane was... and said, you have 2, right? And she looked at me, looking for the other one asking where she was? I told her that Kadee was at home with my mom. She was talking of things that had happened the last time Cody was there...(Wow, she had remembered all that about us?)
Cody did not want the hospital food, so my dad had ran and got us all (Cody, Zane and I) some food because Cody didn't want to eat alone. So, we ate together. I needed to get home to take care of Kadee, relieve my mom and get Zane in bed and Cody's good friend had made it to spend the night with him. So... I hugged Cody, kissed him, told him that I loved him and would see him again early in the morning. I told Zane to tell daddy bye-bye and he just smiled and waved so cute! This all made Cody get very emotional! It was very hard to say the least. My dad went on and left at the same time with us, thinking it would be easier for Cody to just say bye to us all at once.
At 8:30pm, I called Cody to see how things were going, if a Dr or nurse ever said anything more and see how he was. He, as I am, is very aggravated. I guess that's the best word. You know, you're told one thing and then it doesn't happen. We had a plan and what happened to that plan? He, at the least, should have started the ATRA today... the nurses don't know about that and they aren't sure about the chemo? The last girl did say that she wouldn't be his CNA whenever the chemo started because she's pregnant and when they're pregnant, they can't be around the chemo. We were told that a nurse he had before, will be his nurse again once the chemo ever starts. That hospital only has a few that are even chemo-certified! (We had a problem come up last time, when Cody was on constant chemo for 7 days straight, but fell behind on one bag because no one was there within the hospital that could handle it!) We have waited all day, asked questions and no one seems to know anything. "In the morning". Well, I will be back there early in the morning and we WILL get some answers. This 4 or 5 day trip to the hospital (hoping and praying) doesn't need to turn out into a long drawn out event on their part. We were supposed to get the ball rolling and we don't know what purpose today had, except a big whopping bill!!! I understand that they have to wait on Dr's orders, but what's the deal? Even though, as earlier I mentioned, we were in no big hurry to get there... it wouldn't have mattered because when we were doing all the paperwork, the lady called to see about Cody's room and they had just gotten it ready at that very moment. Otherwise, we would have been waiting in the waiting room for a long time.
I must tell you all this... Zane did amazing! He was such a good boy! It was extremely tiring to me, no doubt, but so uplifting that it was worth it all. Today Zane was my guardian angel! I don't know if he remembers coming to the hospital back in September... I do know that he did so much better this time. He wasn't scared in the elevator, we actually made it fun and he played with his toys, ate his snacks and was such a "big boy." We did have moments, but that's bound to happen with a 2-yr old- like hitting the nurse call button many times. (Why do they have that lit up anyway? Probably so at night people can find it, but it definitely draws a little one's attention) He played in the closet. The bottom compartment was like a cubby place for him, a hiding place! We would hide and play with the dividing curtain. Cody played with Zane, until the PICC line was placed. Then, Zane wanted up there with Cody, so I went to his "good side" and laid Zane up there and he gave Cody hugs. Zane laughed so much and had us laughing... He's quite the entertainer. He definitely kept our spirits lifted all day! And, I think this was all good for Zane. He's so smart and observative and he would really watch everything that was going on with his daddy. While Cody was gone for that 45 minutes, every now and then Zane would ask, Daddy? and point to the door and I would tell him that daddy would be back soon and then he would be ok. At least this time, Cody and I didn't fall off the face of the earth and turn Zane's little world upside down again- He knows where daddy is now. And, maybe he'll understand better when mommy goes to see daddy. Had Zane not have been there today, I don't know if we could have kept our sanity, especially with the lack of info from the nurses. They all know what we have been through before! Thank you God for Zane, not only today, but every day! My sweet little angel. Thank you for watching over Kadee too, as her and Meme had a very good day! She was a sweet baby girl and cackled lots as well. I sure was glad to see her tonight!
I'm not really upset or angry... we're just aggravated. It took everything in us to get there today and then for nothing really to happen, it's frustrating. I mean, they could have did the PICC line. If they felt he needed IV fluids, he could have gotten those over at the clinic. Then, we could've actually did the whole admittance thing tomorrow or whenever they were ready to start the pills and the chemo and Cody could've been home tonight, getting better rest than he will in the hospital. Things happen I guess... We don't have any control over it, so we will just continue to pray.
We know that God is with us. He always is. He knows our hearts and minds. He knows what our needs are before we even ask Him. I prayed for Cody many, many times today. And, I know that many prayers were said on our behalf. The prayers are why we are all doing ok at this point. We are doing the best we can. It has been another emotional day, but I would think that's to be expected. In a way, this time is actually worse for Cody, mentally/emotionally, because he is so much better than last time. He is very aware of all that is going on. I do think he will remember his experience this time. It's kind of like, since he doesn't remember last time, this is more "new" to him. Since I do, this is very hard for me. But, this is so hard for him, too. Things are going much better than before, which they haven't really done much yet, but just walking through those doors took all of our strength. Actually, just being in the parking lot was very hard, so you can imagine what it was like walking back through those doors...Thank you God for being with us every step of the way and for giving us the strength to face these days, because we don't have it on our own. Thank you everyone, near and far, for your prayers.
Hold Fast- MercyMe
To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope
Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast
Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?
Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope
You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity, Lord
Here He comes