Sad

Yesterday morning first thing, Zane wanted to watch "daddy." So, I set down and was really watching the DVD too and I absolutely fell apart. I was fighting back the tears not very far into it... then I couldn't hold it in any longer. I lost it! I didn't make it through the entire DVD, I don't even think I made it halfway through. I was so very sad...
Then I had counseling.... I think that helped some. I felt better just to talk about everything. Sort out my thoughts and feelings and think about everything that has been and is going on in my life. It's nice sometimes just to talk it all out.
I had a good rest of the day. I still get emotional. Cody crosses my mind all the time. I also have a peace though in knowing him so well. In knowing what he would want for my life. For the kids. I guess how I feel is as though it always was... in many ways... Cody and I were against the world. It was all about the 2 of us. We were by each other's sides through so many times. Through all sorts of times. The bad. The good. All of the in-between. I feel as though I still have him. That I always will. That I am going to be ok. I can face this world and all that comes my way. He is still giving me that strength somehow.

Dear Cody,
I miss you so much. Lately this pain just strikes me out of nowhere. I can be doing something I would have normally been doing and been ok... except be crying my eyes out instead. Some of these past days have been getting harder and I want to be left completely alone... not that I really do because I don't, but it's just such a tough spot to be in. I start wanting to immediately withdraw and shut down. In an instant I am to where I was a few weeks ago... a month ago... not good at all. I don't know what was getting ready to happen to me Cody. It would not have been good. The counselor and I had talked about this some yesterday. As most everyone knows... had what has happened that has turned things around for me, not had happened... who knows! It's scary to think about. It's really scary to think about. And even though I'm so happy and having fun and laughing once again... I always miss you. I want you to know something- people judge me for, well everything, but say they throw up an amount of time to me as "only 3 months"... I would like for those people to add up how many seconds there are in one day and figure up from there how many seconds there are in those 3 months, 90 days!, because their perspective on time might change a bit when they realize that for every single second, I was in the worst pain of my life!!! And, my mind was always racing... always going... always thinking and wondering.... always.... I was dead in many ways and dying in others... I believed I would die from a broken heart! Others was sincerely concerned that I might grieve myself to death! I had wondered it myself. When I lost you Cody... oh my gosh!... I lost everything. I was shattered. My whole world was shattered. How could I possibly go on without you? Why would I want to? What was the point? You and I.... our love! We had something beyond amazing... knowing what all we went though together... knowing how we started out and to where we had became in our relationship! I love you so much! I would give anything had it not ended there. I still wish in many ways I could have taken this all from you. I wish that it had been me there instead of you. You knew that. I told you several times. I think you had such a strength beyond what you ever realized. I'll keep missing you and loving you until the day I die....
Fi