Calm in the midst of chaos

I had started a post on 6/3 and still have it saved as a draft. I don't know if I will finish that one and post it or not. So much has happened in my life over the last few weeks. That night while I was typing, life changed.

I went to donate platelets yesterday. I was a little nervous. Everything looked really good- Pulse: 67 BP: 114/67 Temp: 97.4 Iron: 13.7
Since I am A+, donating platelets should be my #1 priority.

I got a little more nervous when I had to read a list of all the potential side effects- she told me that most of all that doesn't happen, that the most common thing is the tingly lips, hands, etc... but I had a good lunch and I had drank a big milkshake too, just as they had told me to do, so that hopefully I wouldn't lose too much calcium during donation and those things occur.
I was asked which arm would be best and I told her that I have been told I have great veins and since I donated blood in my right arm on the 9th that maybe we should go on and try my left arm. She had told me that they would be covering me up with a blanket and heating up the bed and I told her how hot-natured I am, but she said that it is better to keep me warm up front than for me to get too cold and the machine go crazy and then they try to warm me up. She placed some heating packs on my arm and she felt around for a good vein. She thought she might have one, so she had someone else come check and was told that I had a good one, to just go straight in. Well... she told me- you will feel a stick and sting and when she said sting, she meant it! That hurt! I've never had a pain like that happen. She made a face and I just knew it. I knew something wasn't right. I told her that I was still in pain and discomfort. The pain started to subside a little bit and I started feeling so hot on my back... then I realized, oh yeah. She said they would warm up the bed for me. We got started and everything seemed to be going ok. I was rolling the ball around in my hand. She told me I could try that and if that didn't work, I may have to squeeze on it. We were getting close to my first return and the pressure started dropping, the machine having fits and I started squeezing on the ball like she told me to do. She asked if I was cold and I told her no, but they placed heat packs all over me anyway. Then, she tried moving the needle around a few different times. Nothing was working.... she looked at me funny and asked how I was and I told her I was ok, except for my nerves! I didn't like that look on her face. She started pushing by my vein and I told her how bad it hurt when she touched it. At one point, I was surrounded by 3 people. I was really getting freaked a little bit. All I knew was there was all this blood still outside of my body in the tubing, the machine was going crazy, they had funny looks on their faces, my arm was hurting, I started feeling funny... and one girl said, see... it's getting bigger and bigger right now... we have to stop! They did whatever all they did while I tried to remain calm and she told me that they needed to stop because they didn't want me to have a bad experience and never want to come back again. I told her, no, I really want to do this! Is there any way you all can try my other arm now? No. So, they pulled out the needle, told me to apply pressure and oh my gosh! I had a knot and it hurt- bad! Due to the loss of blood, I now cannot donate anything until September! I am devastated! I told her how bad I felt to which she told me it wasn't my fault at all. I know that. So next time, the supervisor lady is going to take care of me! We don't want that to happen again. I felt funny for a little while afterwards. I mean, even after leaving. My arm was sore for the rest of the night, but this morning, I am better. My friend and I were going to donate at the same time, but things weren't able to work out that way, so I told them hopefully I could still get her and others to donate platelets. They are in desperate need of them right now! So please, if you can, donate! I know how important this is! They are going to call me with the exact date that I can go back and I will be there! I was looking forward to donating blood again in July, but can't now. All of those of you who donated at the blood drive in memory of Cody or still have yet to do so, maybe you can make it to the blood drive:

7/15/09
Arvest Bank
109 E University
Siloam Springs, AR
Noon- 5pm

I didn't realize how many of you missed my blogging : ) Sorry that it has been so long. Life has taken me by surprise!

A little before Memorial Day and for quite some time after, I went to the cemetery every day! I don't know what all it was... but I just did. It's like it was something I wanted and needed to do. This past Saturday... I lost it for 2 hours! I woke up that morning... feeling it. I fought it. An hour passed by and the overwhelming sadness came over me again... I fought it. Some of my own advice was given back to me and after a little more time passed, I couldn't hold it back any longer. I didn't want to lose it because the pain was too much! I knew how I felt inside and I knew that if I let it go, I was going to be as bad as I was the night that Cody died. My best friend. Love of my life. Father of my children. My everything. That's what happened too. I couldn't stand up, I was having trouble breathing, I was trembling, I was crying my eyes out and could not stop... I would finally get stopped for a few seconds, maybe a minute and then would lose it all over again. I could not speak. I didn't even want to. Then I did want to and even when I tried, I couldn't. My heart shattered all over again into a million tiny pieces. The thoughts running through my mind, I couldn't even hardly keep track of. As bad as the pain was.... after releasing it.... and some time passed, I felt some better. But there is always a constant pain in my heart that I know I will always feel.

As a good friend pointed out, it has been 9 months! I know people think that it's only been 3 months since I lost Cody, but how could you forget about September? I have grieved daily since even before his diagnosis when I just knew it was bad! Cody and I had some of the best times of our lives after September, but I still cried myself to sleep... I still felt horrific pain... I still lost a part of him in September and a part of myself... Everything changed. Our lives as we knew it would never be again. I grieved for the both of us missing out on our lives. Our children. I can't believe Kadee is getting ready to turn one... she still seems like a baby to me... and maybe it's because I've missed out on so much of her life!

Many of you who come here know nothing about what I am getting ready to share. A very few of you actually know. Some of you think you know.

My life has changed in the past few weeks. I found a friendship which may have helped save my life! Ok, here the tears come... This is not something I can explain. It's hard when everyone wants an explanation and there isn't one. For the past 3 months, I have wanted to be dead. I have wished I could just die. I would wake up, not wanting to be here... I would go to bed, hoping I wouldn't wake up! Cody wasn't just a part of my life- he was my life! He had became everything to me- he meant everything to me. What do you do when you lose everything? Even as much as I have shared through this blog and in group and counseling and with my family and friends, it doesn't even come close to the reality and depth of my pain and loss! There are not enough words or even words for the love that Cody and I shared and the same applies for this grief! I do not expect anyone to understand. I don't expect anything out of anyone.

I am in a difficult, complicated situation that I never ever in my wildest imagination could have ever seen myself in. The bottom line is that there are 3 of us involved and the 3 of us know everything. That's all I care about is that the 3 of us are on the same page. I spent hours the other night with my friend and we weren't sure if it helped or not or how much it helped, but it did. I am so thankful for that night, even as hard as it was, and I hope we can have more time like that again.

Over the past few weeks, people were noticing a change in me. Something different. They didn't know what or why. I have realized many different things over the past few weeks.

I have felt ways I didn't know if I could feel again.
I have found that this restriction I had on myself and my life doesn't have to be there. Maybe I can be loved and can love while I'm grieving. Maybe I don't have to wait until I am healed of it because I don't believe I will ever be healed of this- I will always love Cody and miss Cody. I will always feel pain because of what happened to him, to me, to us and our family.
I have found meaning in life.
I have found reasons to want to live.
I have laughed more than I have in a long time.
I am enjoying things again- life again.
The kids are happy. They are seeing me happy. That means so much to me! To them!
Well, I could go on and on...

When I lost it on Saturday and was finally able to speak again, I had to thank this special person for doing what they didn't even try to do or intend to do, the same as I never tried or intended what has happened either... It is what it is. I can't remember word for word, but all I know is I said, whatever 'this' is, I can't see it as bad because I have wished I were dead for 3 months and I don't want to be dead any longer. I want to live. I have felt ways that I haven't felt in a long time and not only that, but that I thought I may never feel again. No matter what happens, thank you. etc, etc.

Early on, I tried to suppress everything. I tried to deny everything. Not only on my part, but on his, too. All I know now is the same as I knew then, this battle between the heart and mind, the heart will win. Whatever it is. The heart always wins. I would love to share with you all notes that have been written between us, just so you could really know, but now is not the time and maybe another time will be or may never be.

I do have genuine, true feelings for this person. Anyone that has been around me or even just heard me speak of this, of him, knows it, too. I have found out who my true friends are through all of this. Right now there are just a very few who have contacted me, wanted to talk to me, hear my side and actually listen and love me and not pass judgement. Most have been spreading gossip and rumors and I haven't been affected by it in the fact that they don't even know what they are talking about. My own family has disowned me, condemned me to hell and wants nothing to do with me, yet they don't even know. And, that's ok. They have made their decisions and I have made mine and we all must live with that. Normally I would be devastated and crying all the time or I would be as angry at them as they are at me and yelling and responding back in negative ways, but I'm not. I haven't. For the most part, I have kept calm. It's so weird to me how I am because I don't even try, yet I keep it all together. I guess when you've been through what I have, everything is different. I knew it would take a lot to really get to me any more after all this and maybe that's what it is. I am centered in who I am, how I feel and nothing has rocked that. Everything and everyone (almost everyone) around me is spinning out of control yet I remain constant.

I have a couple true friends who were very concerned about me heading off into a great depression. They were beyond just concerned for me. One friend I had not talked to in a couple weeks and I talked to her last night was so relieved. These 2 friends believe that God has placed this person in my life for a reason. I still have been struggling with my faith and God and why? etc, etc, but for them to believe God has a hand in this threw me off with the fact of how this situation has played out- how it came about. This is one of the hardest situations I could imagine finding myself in. I know that I am better. I don't give all the credit to this person but most of it I do. The counselor told me that I have grieved more in 3 months than most people do in a year. I have been very open and honest with my pain. I have shared more than most people are able or have a desire to. I know that most of you who read this are going to smile with the fact that for once, I feel something besides the unbearable pain I was in.

I could go on and on and on about my life, but what it all comes down to is that there are 3 of us who know. And, unless we were all sitting down together, would everyone get the whole entire story. As we all 3 have decided, it's really not anyone's business! We are all being careful with who we have contact with. We know people are talking and exaggerating and turning words around. We know that this situation is enough in itself without others causing problems. It's not worth it. We all care about each other way too much for that!

Cody,
Our anniversary weekend was very hard for me. Memorial weekend was hard for me. Father's Day will be hard for me and Kadee's birthday will be hard for me. Life is not the same. I have a constant pain in my heart. Some days it is more dull and low and some days it is overwhelming! However it is, it is always there. I miss you so much. I love you more than words can say. Zane and Kadee have been watching that video of you again. Not nearly as much as they were, but they still want to see you, miss you, love you. We all watched it together. I was told not long after you were gone about "moving on"... me needing someone, the kids needing someone... and all kinds of things. Everyone told me how you would want me to be "happy." Little do they know that I am the one if anyone to know how and what you wanted and wished for me. We talked about it. We talked about everything. You knew I would find someone else and you knew I would find happiness again. If you were only still here right now, our lives would be amazing! But, you're not. You are not here and I am. Life was just passing me by. The last 9 months are all a blur. I have been in touch with and seen what happens and can happen to people. I do not want that to be me. You would not want that to be me and I for sure can't do that to the kids. For the past few weeks, we have been enjoying life again. The kids are seeing me happy and I can see how it affects them. Everyone was telling me of all the positive good things they were noticing over these past few weeks. They are glad for it. I'm in a spot that I know I never could have imagined, but I never imagined losing you either. Life is life and is full of surprises. I know that when I think back and review some of all this, things are making more sense to me. Maybe God is opening up my eyes a little bit. People have the nerve to say that I don't love you, never did, are replacing you, etc etc and it's all out of their own pain and missing you. I'm not bothered by it too much because I know it is their pain talking. They do miss you- we all do. There is so much stuff that I could throw up in their faces that it's not even funny, but I will not stoop to that level. I am happy and actually want to live and try to make the most out of my time here. For you. Because of you. For the kids. For myself. I still have to believe that everything happens for a reason. Right now, I will just continue living day to day and not taking anything for granted. I don't know what the future holds. I don't even know what today holds. I know that my life has changed... is still changing... I know that I am headed in a better direction.
1-2-3-4,
Fi