Father's Day

I knew that with Kadee's birthday and then Father's Day, that this weekend would be hard. I wasn't prepared for the pain I am in this morning.... I have been losing it! I have fallen apart... I was fighting it- trying not to lose it like how much I felt. The pain always conquers in the end. You can't fight something like this back.... I was overcome with memories all of a sudden! Then I just had everything rushing through my mind... about Cody... about Zane and Kadee... about me... about life! Ah, Father's Day. This is all so hard! I can tell that today is going to be a very hard day... I was feeling very emotional yesterday and stayed so busy that it helped... I believe I'll be getting really busy once I get off of here. I do not understand life. I do not understand why some things are the way they are. I just don't get it. Why again did I want to be a "grown up" so badly?

To my Cody,
I am an emotional mess today! Pain has overtaken me once again. I miss you so much. I don't understand why everything happened the way it did. I had memories start rushing through my mind earlier... You and me and then our lives once the kids were here- how much Zane and Kadee meant to you, how much you loved them- how much you loved me!- Father's Day last year, Kadee was a good gift, huh?- Me telling the kids that you would come back home... we all believed it... and you didn't get to come home with us- how much I love you!- flashbacks of you lying there, dying- and the list goes on and on and on and on... I just miss you and love you so much! My heart is literally in so much pain... I am in so much pain. Happy Father's Day Cody! You were such a great daddy! We were so blessed to have you in our lives while we did.
Thinking of you always...
Missing you always...
Loving you.... always...
Your Fi