To show His love, Jesus died for me; to show my love, I must live for Him

From an e-mail I sent out 9/18/08:
Hello everyone,
I am at home for just a bit. I want to try to catch everyone up to the latest. A few days ago, Cody had a chest tube put it to try to drain the fluid off of his left lung. They got some, but was very disappointed. It did not do what they wanted or needed it to do. That tube is probably coming out today because yesterday and the night before, it never drained anymore. This could be a big deal. He started dialysis 2 days ago. The first treatment did nothing. We will know the results today of the treatment yesterday. The kidney dialysis will only pull fluid out of the blood vessels, not tissue or directly of the lungs or anywhere else, only the blood vessels. So, what they are trying to do is pull what they can from his vessels and signal the brain that he is dehydrated so then other fluid will be released into the vessels and they can continue to pull it off that way. His treatment yesterday was 3 1/2 hours and he will have one again today. The ventilator was put in 3 days ago. I found out that he had really fought it and that was so hard for me to know. It's a big communication barrier, especially with Cody being dyslexic on top of that, but we are doing ok. (Me with him, much better than anyone else.) They first had the vent put on 90%, but yesterday the decreased it to 75%. We shall see how today goes, but he is doing fine with it, better in fact. But, of course, we only want it in for a short period of time. Dialysis could go on for weeks. It's just a day to day with that. Cody tickled us yesterday because he requested a Sonic Route 44 drink. I told him I would give nothing more that to get that for him, but he would just have to wait awhile and that whenever he gets out of there, he can have anything and everything he wants! Oh, how his eyes twinkled and he put his hand out firm and I said, oh you want to shake on it and he shook his head yes, and I took his hand and our eyes met and held and said it's a deal! Then, I said, oh my... I don't know what I just got myself into. : ) Cody has had a few moments over the past few days. His first moment was that he was looking somewhere and he said something to the effect that I don't want to go, I don't want to go, please let me stay, just let me stay. Yesterday was hard because he was so sick and so tired and he was looking straight up, way past the ceiling and I said, God? He shook his head yes and he kept pointing upward and I said heaven? and he shook his head yes and then he laid his arms down with his hands palms upward and just almost fell more into the bed. It seemed like he was saying, just take me. But, some of these little moments we just don't know for sure. Hard to see though. It could be so many things. But, I will tell you this, as I've told Cody, even as weak as he may seem to be and realizes that he is, that in my eyes he is one of the strongest people that I know. And, I must say that IF the leukemia were to win, it will not be because Cody ever gave up. He is fighting for his life every second! I've only had 2 mere moments when I realized it was a possibility that I could lose him, but only twice for mere seconds and then I go to praying and thinking and have a peace about me, just knowing that Cody can pull through this. I feel that he will. I know God is carrying him at this point just as I told Cody He would, because I knew it would be hard, but not this hard, but I told Cody early on that when he got so weak and when he couldn't do much or do anything and didn't know what else to do, that would be when God would carry him, as He is doing right at this very moment. Night before last, I prayed so hard and I tried to raise Cody's name up to God, if it was even possible to raise it any higher than it already is, but I prayed and pleaded for his life. I felt guilty last night, thinking about my prayer, thinking maybe I was praying the wrong way, but I just had to tell God even though he already knows, but I had to say it out loud, how much I love Cody and need Cody and how much Zane and Kadee need their daddy. I prayed for a miracle. I pray it be God's will to do so! Everyone is amazed at my strength and how "well" I am doing, but let me tell you, it is only due to God. He is my strength. And, in works with God, is my love for Cody. I had told Cody a while back not long after he was first in the hospital that when we had watched The Notebook on TV, when I had seen the previews for it going to be on, I said, oh Cody, the best love story ever! Well, in his hospital room, I said Cody, remember when we just watched The Notebook on TV and I told you it was the best love story? He said, yeah. I said, well, I'm sorry, but I lied to you. I said, I was wrong. He looked at me so puzzled, and I told him that The Notebook wasn't the greatest love story, that ours is. And, that's exactly how I feel. I will never give up on Cody. I will never give up on our love and our life together and our family. When a few days ago, Cody was having trouble breathing and he had on the oxygen mask and he looked dead into my eyes with desperation and said, help me breathe, help me breathe- he pleaded. I in that moment told him that I would give him my air if I could do so. I have told him I wish I could take some of this from him. I wish I could go through it for him. I told him that again last night and he doesn't want for me to. He knows that I would do it, just as I had offered that if he did lose his hair from chemo and if it bothered him then I would just shave my head, too. He looked at me like I was crazy and told me NO! (lol!) He knew that I would do it and apparently he doesn't want me to go to that extreme : ) But, I love him and I told him how I wish I could just take this away from him. I knew we had such a special love- a bond, a connection, but in this last month, how I have only learned that so much more and how that has only became stronger. It is so hard to see his hands being restrained to the bed. They can't risk something happening to the vent. I understand it, but it doesn't make it any easier. They talk of him having little brain aneurysms here and there. Due to the low platelets. He was having moments where he was confused and hallucinating, some due to meds, and the rest due to the brain bleeding. They want to cat scan his brain, actually his abdomen, too, but cannot do so, because he is not stable enough to even be moved down one level. Everything must come to him in his room. When I first asked all specialists and his Dr about 4 or 5 days ago, if he needed to be somewhere else, anywhere else- a cancer treatment place, etc- when the surgeon came around, he told me that if I moved him, I would kill him, so that answered that REAL quick and that is why we are where we are. Cody has so many specialists. They think that with all of them and it will take all of them, that they can pull Cody through this. He has a kidney specialist, lung specialist, GI specialist, heart specialist, infectious disease specialist, surgeon, etc. I talked to the oncologist that came by yesterday. My concern was if Cody's brain is bleeding and they are trying to signal the brain through dialysis to get his kidneys functioning better again, then isn't there a chance it won't work. There is a great chance of that. Then, the catheter line, by his neck, for the dialysis was giving fits yesterday. The kidney specialist said that he might have to redo it. I asked about that and that is a risk, which could possibly be need done today. The drain tube only drained blood out of his lung and they feel that there are clots in his lung and since they used such a small tube for less risk, that the clots cannot pass through the tube. We were told he may need a larger chest tube if it gets to that point, or surgery more as a last resort. His bowels are asleep. They are not working. I asked how they know if chemo even worked and 14 days after that first treatment, which is Sunday, 14-21 days after that first day, they have to take another bone marrow sample. It will be closer to the 21 days, I was already told due to everything else going on and his low blood and platelet levels. And, then, if it's not working, they will do a "salvage round", one more time of chemo and if it hasn't worked that time, it's bone marrow donor search time. The Dr I'm sure wondered why I was asking such things, but I still do look to the future for Cody and I just felt I needed to know what might be ahead for us, in the way of the actual leukemia. This leukemia, APML, is rare. And, there was a rare chance of getting this condition that Cody is in with his lungs and everything, and he got it. So, he is in a rare situation of a rare situation. But, the leukemia is the underlying cause of everything. He was on chemo for a week straight and chemo pills, but he does remain on the chemo pills. They will not stop. But, as the Dr made very clear, we are just in the here and now. We must take this moment by moment. It is a dire situation. (as we know) The kidney specialist said that Cody is a "very terribly, terribly sick man." Thank you all for your thoughts, for your prayers, for calling, for coming to see him, for loving us.... You have NO IDEA what this all means. I love Cody so much and when I am with him, I am with him. And, no matter how many lines they have coming from him or what is going on, I only see the love of my life, my husband, my best friend, laying there and I treat him the way I always have. That will not change for me. I know it is hard. It breaks my heart to see him this way, but he needs us now more than anytime so far. We must keep him encouraged and uplifted. He has done everything these people have asked of him to do. He is cooperating so well, because he wants to get better and he wants to come home! And, ooohhhh, how we want him back home!!! Please keep lifting Cody's name up to God. I know he hears all of our prayers. Cody will have quite a testimony! I am so tired right now and I hope that I have made sense of everything I have typed. I know this is very long, but it's just something that I wanted to do, maybe needed to do. We love all of you very much!
From an e-mail I sent out 9/20/08:
You all won't believe this! Actually, you probably will : ) Yesterday Cody got all good news, all day long. Everyone who walked in the room only had good things to say. His kidneys are working- he may not even need more dialysis. His bowels started working. His swelling is WAY down. His lungs are VERY strong, he may get off the ventilator today or within the next few days. When I left him this morning to come home for a bit, he was breathing on his own. They are doing a few tests to see if he is ready yet to come off of it. He is strong! He is moving around more than he has in like a week. He is communicating with us better. This is AMAZING! I am shouting to the world - Praise God! Thank you! Our prayers are being answered- miracles are happening. We were to the point about, it had to go one way or the other.... AND THANK YOU GOD! for turning things around. For healing Cody's body! I am in awe and speechless! I have never talked to God as much as I talk to him now and let me tell you, this will not change!!! I now pray and talk to God most of my day. I pray not only for Cody, but for everyone and everything. I was walking out of the hospital and a woman was on the phone and very upset, crying- the whole time while I was walking to the vehicle, I just prayed to God for her and for her family and their situation-whatever it was. For anyone who doesn't believe in miracles- believe in them now : ) As I told Cody, even though the dr's and nurses are caring for him and coming in to say all these good things, we know who is at work here. We know this is God! He raised his hand up high and shook his head yes! And, he took his hands and moved them out around in front of him and I said, you feel God's presence? And, he shook his head, yes! And, I said, YES, Cody, yes, God is here with you and he has been carrying you through these hard days and He will not leave you. Our prayers are being answered! And, after every good report we heard, we prayed together and praised God! Whether God is working through these people or directly to Cody, it doesn't matter, God is performing miracles!!! And, He will receive ALL the glory!!! Shall we continue to pray!

Dear Heavenly Father,
I come to you in prayer to say THANK YOU! I praise YOU for everything YOU have done for Cody's body. For Cody's mind. For Cody's spirit. You know our hearts, Father and You are performing miracles- as we never doubted that You could do. Let us all be amazed and continue to praise You. I am so thankful for today. I am thankful for every day. I am thankful for you putting Cody in my life and me in his. You know how much I love him and that I love YOU and we know how much that You love us. You blessed us with 2 miracles and I know that You will bring Cody through all the days ahead, so that he can come home to us. God, you are an AWESOME God and may some of those who didn't believe, come to believe and come to know You. I am so thankful for the better relationship that I have with You now. And, God, I cannot wait to hear all of Cody's testimony!!! I have never doubted that with YOU, ALL things ARE possible. I praise You God! May You continue to be with us, in all our days ahead. Cody needs strength. Cody needs peace. Continue to heal his body, Lord. Just a couple days ago, I was pleading with you and crying out to you in a different way, but God, now... I am praying to you and thanking you and crying to you in complete awe and thankfulness. We always feel your presence. Shall we all rejoice in what YOU have done. In Jesus' Precious Name. Amen.