Roller-coaster

I am just so tired. I'm worn out. I'm exhausted!
It's 2 am and I'm still awake. How can I sleep with so much going on, so much on my mind?
We are still, I repeat, still waiting on Cody's last "special" blood test results. Is it going to be the same as last time, to where he has to call them???
Zane & Kadee had wellness visits. Sort of. Kadee is doing good. She's coming up short for her age, to which we were asked if there are "short people" in either of our families. There are. Zane is doing good. Speech still possibly an issue. They did a special hearing test while we were there, but everything with that was fine. So, we'll be taking him to a speech therapist. That way, we will know if there is something to be concerned about or not and where to go from there...
I had such a rough day last Friday and let it all go for the weekend, then Monday came around and it all started again. I am on some kind of roller coaster ride! I typically love roller coasters, you know, the real ones, but I still like a break in between and I need a little break from this one that I'm currently on in my life. Possible? Not sure. I hope so.
Here are the benefit details- I know, right? I'm posting the details. Ah well. Here they are:
Saturday January 31, 2009 from 5-8 pm at the youth building located across from the First Baptist Church in Gentry.
Chili Supper & Live Music featuring Crossfire (Bluegrass/gospel) Also, a bake sale and drawings during the benefit, including a new LA-Z-BOY chair. Must be present to win.
$5 per meal ticket Children 3 and under- Free!
Proceeds for medical expenses.
All I can really say at this moment, is, Thanks Mom!!!
I got a letter accomplished today. A recommendation letter for a woman who is one of my guardian angels. I was asked by her if I could do this for her and I was thinking, what an honor it would be after all she has done for us and all I can do is write a letter. This letter, though not great in length, took me back to the day of Cody's first bone marrow biopsy. Took me back to September 2nd. And with that, all of the emotions I felt that day, that moment that I met her and completely lost it and was begging for help and for someone to try to save my husband's life! Oh yes, I guess I never have shared with you all our HORRIBLE experience, first experience with the hospital, oncologist and staff. Thankfully, an answered prayer, not Cody's current oncologist, the one that took over from September 2nd on. I thank God for that, let me tell you. How I felt then and how I still do now is that our town hospital kept my husband alive, while the other sent him home to die. I know that sounds drastic, but that's how it felt and seemed. I was being warned of his platelets getting so low, that blood would start coming out of his ears, eyes, nose, mouth! etc and was expected to just be at home with him where I could do nothing and watch these things take place. That day we were sent home, I will NEVER forget. I have never been so angry in all of my life! But, I'm not trying to go there now, what I was wanting to say is that writing this letter for her, brought a flood of emotions over me.
I can't say how many people have told me to just cry. Everyone needs to cry. Just let it out. You'll feel better. All of those things that we want to believe. I do cry. I do let it out. I don't feel better. Have you ever felt your heart physically ache/hurt/have pain when nothing physically is being done to it? I can tell you that I have.
I was going to post this before, but then I never did. You know how there are functioning alcoholics? They can have jobs, friends, etc and some many never know they are an alcoholic. I feel like I'm some form of functioning depressionist (yes, totally made up label). I can go about my every day, I can laugh, smile, be "normal" while there is always this part inside of me crying out from the depths of my being, in great pain. I'm not trying to put on a happy face, but I can only take this pieces at a time. It is too overwhelming for me to deal with. I think my fear is that I can't handle all of these emotions at one time. I pray and just thank God that I have Him and I never feel alone because I know that He and only He knows and understands me and what I am going through.
I was so outraged when I was in high school and a Dr. thought I was in "depression" and wanted to give me some form of medication for it. I was sad, or even admitted "depressed" but I had reason to be. It was justified. My family had dealt with great amount of losses in a short period of time, my grandma was battling cancer, I had been in a bad relationship, etc, etc, etc. I feel, once again, what I am going through and how I am feeling, is more than justified. I don't want something to cover it up, hide it, allow me not to feel it- I want to embrace everything in my life- and that means the good and the bad. I will get through this. God will get me through this. He may carry me most of the way. I am thankful for that. A mother who recently lost her son had this to say: Some have asked me have I gotten some of those meds for depression to make me feel better. Well, I think they would only mask the pain and I want to feel it---to accept it and deal with it, rather than cover it up. I know God is giving me the strength to go on and I am so thankful for all your prayers.
Here is a quote to ponder: "Pain and death are part of life. To reject them is to reject life itself.” Harvelock Ellis
Now, that an hour has passed by and it is now 3 am, I am going to try to get some rest...
Goodnight. Or should I say, good morning!