Shutting down... :(

I received some e-mails and I want you all to know that your words were very kind and mean more than you realize during these very difficult days I am having.

7/8/09
Dear Cody,
It has taken all of the last of my strength for the day to come here right now. I wish I could say to you, "Happy 7-yr 1 mo. anniversary" but instead am thinking about your last day on this earth. I am sitting here in front of your grave, where your headstone will be someday. I can't believe that 4 months have passed by! Today has been such a hard day for me. I mean, nobody has any idea. I have been alone. I have felt so alone. Right now I can't put anything else on this paper... I have sit here thinking... trying to figure all this out... I can't. I can't explain what I am going through. There aren't words I can use to make any sense of this or to try to help anyone to understand. I miss you. I love you.
Fi

These past few days have only gotten harder for me. The other morning, I fell apart after 3 am and didn't know if I would pull it back together. My episode went on for over an hour. I was in intense pain. Once I was to the point of hardly being able to breathe anymore and almost throwing up... it all stopped. I sat for awhile and then decided to take a shower at 4:30 am. After my shower, I was so exhausted. So, I tried to sit and relax for a bit and then decided to lay back down. I was sure I would go right to sleep. Wrong. Tears started streaming from my eyes yet again. The day had only barely begun and yet it was such a horrible day. I have been "losing it" every day at some point or another and it's usually completely unexpected and catches me off guard every time. Last night was a bad night. I fell apart again for over an hour and really didn't expect to ever stop crying. I have already fell apart again today.

The other morning, I had several flashbacks of September. It's like I was back there. It's like Cody was there. It was like living it all over again. I went from him being in the wheelchair and unable to even hardly hold up his head on the first day of the hospital stay after his bone marrow biopsy, to him being in CCU and on the ventilator and dialysis, back to when things started really declining and the catheter was placed, to the morning they showed me his chest xray and rushed him to CCU, to him learning to walk all over again, back to him vomiting and so sick... just so so so sick... I can't do this right now. You get the idea.

I am not ready for this. I am scared. I guess because of my anticipation of September coming up, I am already throwing myself into it. I have been getting the word out and hinting to many that I just need to be left alone. I don't know how I will get through this. I don't know what I will do. I am the one who has to do it. I am the one who has to live with it and the one who has went through it. Me. Only me. I know that no one wants me to feel alone when in all reality not only am I the most alone I've probably ever been in my life, but literally no one can understand this- what this has done to me, what it still does to me. I have to figure out how to get through an entire month... where every day was a big day... where every day seemed to get worse and worse... where everyone expected Cody to die, yet I stood on faith for him to live and never gave up on him... where I missed out on our children's lives... where and when Cody was still here... when we received a miracle and Cody, against all odds, lived!... where our lives changed forever...

At this point a year ago, Cody was already having night sweats. Little sores on his legs would start bleeding out of nowhere. He was tired. He was confused and not thinking clearly and not able to remember very well. He was mowing... he was working out in the heat... and it was hot and he was tan as could be... and he was doing all this because he had lost his job and needed to do something, anything, to make money for us, his family. He was, as he called and told me coming up in about a week and a half, dying... and still going about every day as if he wasn't. Cody's birthday is this coming Friday.

Last night I sorted through medical records... I came to his first stay in Washington Regional for that one night and when he was released and where he signed. Right there in front of my very eyes... Cody's signature... where he had touched the paper... has it really been a year ago? Then I went through pictures. I still needed to gather up some for one more DVD to be made of him. I should've had this done by now, but just hadn't. I think I have the pictures picked out now. That was not easy. Needless to say that now many of the medical records and pictures are tear-stained.

I am shutting down...withdrawing... whatever you want to call it. I don't know what to do? Nothing can take this pain away. No one. It is my pain and I have to deal with this. I don't know how. My mind is always going... I think so much. My thoughts are making me crazy. I can't seem to get my mind to slow down. I am having flashbacks and memories and just everything! I have been trying to just stay busy, but that's only good for so long and then there I go again. Plus, I'm wearing myself out. I am absolutely wearing myself out. For so long since Cody has been gone, I have ran. Been on the run. Going, going, going... and I just don't have much more "go" in me. I am tired. I am sad. I am more than sad. I am having anxiety issues again. I think it's because I'm fighting so hard to not be crying all the time and falling apart... that's what I feel like doing... but I can't. How long could I go on that way? Plus, I'm scared. I'm scared that one of the times I lose it, that I may really lose it and not ever be the same.

Then there is this: (I wrote on Tuesday)
Thanks to you my life changed.
No one, not even you, will ever realize the difference you made.
I guess when you put so much into life every day (or so much life into every day) that a short amount of time can seem like so much longer.
With or without you in my life, I am trying to hold on to the gifts that you have given me- those which money cannot buy- those which no one can take away from me.
Sometimes, some things, just can't be explained. This is one of those things.
It was an unexpected, indescribable phenomenon between 2 people.
It is something which can only be understood between the ones who experienced it- sharing openly their hearts and minds.
So for all of those who want to understand and make sense of this, you're not going to be able to.
You must always keep in mind that not everything is as it seems.
Really if ever "thank you" wasn't enough, it is now.
Most importantly, no matter what, I have an appreciation and love for this special person who helped save my life.
You will be in my heart and our times together will never be forgotten.
"This" we will carry with us... wherever our lives may take us...