Can I?

First of all, my e-mail address is: mpickering3@yahoo.com

I have had a rough last few days. I went out to the cemetery the other day and absolutely lost it! We have been watching the DVD of Cody and that has been hard every single time. Tomorrow... well tonight just after midnight, it has been 5 months since he has been gone! Yesterday was one of the most horrible days that I have had in a very long time. Horrible is probably a nicer word than what it actually was like... I really won't go into all of that right now. Today I have forced myself to be here and have actually put on a fake face I guess you could say, because for all of these people around me and for those who look at me... nobody would be able to tell that I feel like I am dying on the inside. Appearances can be so deceiving... I am not emotionally in any better way than yesterday except that I have been holding it together so far for today. I don't plan on losing it, not that you can plan it or not, but I really don't know what may happen if I get back to where I was yesterday. I just really don't know. So, for those of you who really care about me out there in some way or another... think of me. I am honestly not very good... Not good at all. Here I can always be honest and just put it all out there... I don't have to pretend that I am ok. I don't have to put on a show. Not that I do in real life, but sometimes it's like we do. Sometimes it's just easier to say we are ok than to say how we really are. Life is just so short! September is approaching much too quickly! I need help. What will I do? What can I do? How can I make it through that month? I guess I have no choice and ready or not will be forced to face that which has been haunting me for so long... I really don't know how I can... if I can...