The beginning... a year ago..

Good morning everyone!

Pam- thank you for your kind words and for thinking of me and for being encouraging! : )

This time of year... hard. In a way, this is when "it" all began... a year ago last weekend was when Cody woke up actually crying because of the pain he was in... he could hardly walk... his back hurt, he was stiff and locked up and I had to gather up the kids, Kadee only a month and a half old at the time and rush him to the ER. He couldn't even get into the car without using his hands to lift up one leg and put it in and then the same with the other. He was diagnosed with sciatica... which only to find out about a month later, had been the leukemia even then. We spent quite some time in the ER as you all know how that goes... and no tests were done, just talking and looking and feeling... He was sent home with about 3 prescriptions and a wrong diagnosis. I can remember that day when I think about it as if it were only yesterday. When I really think and remember, it's like it could have been only a day ago that Cody was here with us. Sometimes those memories are of him well and happy and sometimes the memories are of him sick and dying. Either way, at times, it's like he was just right here and then reality sets in again that he has been gone for almost 5 months! His birthday is this month. Or was. However you're supposed to say that now. I went to the cemetery and all of the flowers were removed. The only thing left is the hook with the hanging basket. That was hard. I went and approved the headstone design just last week. I hope it turns out as its supposed to. It will be very special.

Cody,
You know I have far from forgotten you and far from quit thinking about you. I feel that wherever I am, you are there also. I have been trying to live life the way that you did. I think about that so often... how you really lived your life! I and many others want to live like you did and you did it so naturally... you didn't have to try!! You are missed so much. I mention to the kids how much you loved them and what you would think or how you would feel about different things going on now... like when Zane got his new hair cut yesterday and I spiked it all up this morning- I told him "Daddy would have really liked your hair!" and then when Kadee is walking around things and a speed crawler like Zane was and getting into everything- I tell her "Daddy would be so proud of you!" I have gotten so wrapped up in living life... the pain is pushed down enough that I can bear it. If I allowed, it would be unbearable. I have a hard time thinking of you really being gone... or what happened really happening... of everything about the whole situation of your life and it is something that I just do not and can not understand. When I was at the cemetery yesterday, I just went back to having to tell you goodbye and letting you go... except I don't feel like I have actually let you go or will ever let you go. You are a part of me for all of my life. So, I will keep trying every day to make the most of this life that I can. Some days are much harder than other days because of many different reasons. I honestly want to just escape from it all. I just want to be somewhere where I can just be! There is so much pain associated with this area that I don't know how long I can stay here or if I want to. I have so many thoughts going on in my mind all the time. I am very open minded to change! At this point with the way things are and have been, maybe it would be for the best. I guess time reveals many things... I won't rush into anything... I need to be able to really think and not only feel, but also trust my feelings and my heart and let that guide my mind. I believe in following your heart! I always have! That's just who I am. I am a very optimistic person, usually :) I think that the heart and mind must work together, but that if you do not follow your heart, then you are looking for much disappointment in your life every which way you turn. So... here's to trying to listen to my heart... what's left of it anyway... and trusting and believing what I always have. Depending on how life goes over the next while, who I am and everything about me may be in question. I may have to rediscover myself or maybe just discover who I am now for the first time. I know what I really want to do even though it's not what I really want to do. I know... that doesn't make much sense. If you were sitting right here with me and I said that to you... you would know exactly what I meant. I miss you. I love you.
1-2-3-4,
Fi

I am honestly in a place that I have never been in my life before. People want to judge me? Have you lost the love of your life? Was he only 25? Did he battle for his life against leukemia? Were you only 26? Did you have 2 small children? Did you spend a month with him in the hospital and almost watch him die? Did you have to hear bad report after bad report and watch rapid decline and muster up everything in you to comfort the one who you thought you'd never have to live without to let him know that it was ok to go and how much you loved him and watch him take his very last breath?

I have been through more than most of you can imagine. Maybe you can try to imagine... but more than you can really know. I am only 26 years old. I am doing the best that I can. I have been abandoned and most have turned their backs on me for trying to understand something that no one can understand. Would you like to spend a day in my life?

In this pain that is as deep as the love for Cody that I have... since he has been gone and in great part, due to what happened... I have been able to live life more than I ever have! I do not take things for granted. I do not make a big deal over nothing. I smile. I laugh. I love! I have fun. I enjoy just being alive and being here for another day to grow up all over again with my kids! I have found more happiness than I had known. I honestly believe that an even greater love can be found... I know that I have found out who my true friends are and even though I can only count them on one hand, maybe part of the second hand, that at least I know! Whenever you go through something like this, you find out so much about yourself and so much about other people. So, here's to another day... live it as if it were your last. Who knows? It just might be.