Just moments after posting that blog yesterday, I absolutely lost it! The kids were napping and I closed myself into the bedroom in hopes of not waking them up with my sobbing and crying and talking... Yes, I felt like I was a crazy person... Trying to talk through my pain when no one was here to listen. Part of my talking was to God, though... then I guess He could still hear me even though I was alone in the room... I was the most upset I have been in a long time and I'm sure it seemed so much worse because my chest was hurting so bad and my heart racing so fast! I got so upset that I was about to start throwing up, but just did some dry heaving instead. I would have much rather just thrown up! I was thinking about why, why, why? I was asking why, why, why?... Then, I went back through part of my conversation to Cody as he was dying... which it's like he was dying for that entire day.... hours after hours.... moment by moment he was slipping away from me.... I kept telling him that it was ok.... I would say, "it's ok to go" "it's ok to go on" but, majority of the time I just kept repeatedly saying, "it's ok" I told him how much I knew he wanted to come home and be with us and how sorry I was that he couldn't and that it was ok, that he needed to just go on home to be with Jesus. As I was talking out loud yesterday, I was saying that because I loved Cody as much as I did... more than life!... that I was telling him it was ok to go when how is that ok? How is it ok for a 25 year old man to die? How is it ok for a woman to become a widow at 26? How is it ok for a wonderful daddy to leave behind his children, only 2 years old and 9 months old? How is all of the pain and suffering he went through because of having leukemia and the harsh treatments ok? How is any of it ok?
When I fell apart yesterday, I didn't really care if I came back together... Pain consumed me and I was going to let it... I had known when I blogged that I could feel some pain coming on, but I had no idea that what was going to happen would happen. I didn't know that there was that much pain ...