Return of anxiety...

I have got to take just a little while to post... I am not doing very good.

Day before yesterday, I started itching really bad on my neck and then started scratching like crazy... then broke out very, very red! I keep doing this off and on... I figured it was my nerves! I figure it is my nerves!

But, later yesterday, I started having anxiety again- bad. I was laying on the couch, my heart was racing and I was having chest pains. I felt like I was having trouble catching my breath... This wore me out!

I have been bad today as well. It's not constant, but off and on. I have got to get some rest tonight because with the way I am feeling, I am not going to sleep and am going to get worse, fast. I do not want to go there. This is different some than what I experienced a while back there. I'm closer to having a fear that I may go on into an attack just because this hit me harder and stronger and out of nowhere unlike before.

I'm going to assume it's like before though... When even unintentionally I started bottling stuff up inside... I've got to find a way to work through all of this and let it out... let it go!

Lately I have been thinking about last 4th of July. Once again, I am not ready for this time... for another first time without Cody, since Cody... I'm just not ready. But, it doesn't matter, I don't have any choice!

I do believe this is a combination of many things! I am really hoping that a good night of rest is going to help me. My heart going crazy is making me crazy. My pulse is normally 60's and when it jumps up in the 90's suddenly, even though that's not WAY high... it's high enough and big enough of a difference that I notice and feel it.

On top of this, my friend had an emergency c-section this morning and her baby was rushed to a local NICU. I would like to ask you to pray for Stephanie and Jax. I know how much the prayers mean and are appreciated!

Last night, I had out the Bible. There were a couple of suggested readings to a friend and him and I read them together. This had been way overdue for him... Nonetheless, I felt as though God was still finding ways to reach me... this must have been one of them... I was brought to this verse:

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34: 17-18 NIV

I can't tell you how many times I have read over that... how many times I wrote that... how many times I sent that to many caringbridge sites to those who needed to hear it as much as myself.

God, I pray that You are with me. I do not always feel You, but I trust that You have not abandoned me... I have faith that You are still there. I hope that You can help me and see me through... My soul is so troubled! Please tell me that You have not left me, too. I have to believe that You are carrying me through this horrible time in my life. I must have purpose and still be here for a reason. Thank you for loving me and for the many blessings that I have and that I appreciate more because of losing what to me was everything... I need You. I need help. Will You please help me?

Cody,
Stephanie had her baby this morning... another boy! I remember how you and I were surprised to find out about her being pregnant and we were happy for them! It seems like just yesterday that I told you the news... It doesn't seem like a whole year has passed since last 4th of July. Kadee's 1st fireworks! She was so good, but Zane was scared! I don't know how they will be this year? I don't even know what to do this year? This is another first time without you... it seems like there have just been too many of those lately... I wish I could go back in time for a moment just to be close to you again... To see you... to feel you... to tell you how much I love you! I will continue telling you that though and loving you for always! You would have been soooo proud of me. I went for a ride the other night and had a blast! I always had an idea why you loved riding so much, but I think now I understand even a little bit more. It's fun! It's an escape! I've been having bad anxiety since yesterday... maybe I need another ride : ) Seriously though, I don't know what to do? I don't know what may help? I know that I don't like it. I'm back to that feeling I had before where if I lose it, I may not be able to pull it back together, so I'm almost afraid to fall apart... but I know from experience of last time that I have to let go... I have to cry... I need to cry... and, after some time, I will actually feel better. This is all so hard. I miss you so much! I just miss you so very much!
Loving you,
Fi