Normal?

What is normal? It's amazing how you have a "routine" or something of the sort and then one day your whole world can change in just a moment. We were going on, living our "normal" lives. Then, as things started to unfold and it became apparent that something was not right with Cody, something was really bad wrong, something was happening and it was happening all too fast! "Normal" flew right out the window.

APML, Acute such&such leukemia, the Dr says. You have a 50/50 chance of surviving the initial treatment. We can do our part, but you must remain positive. We were all in the room together, our children were there...they were there because Cody had an incident earlier that day and his heart was acting up and he wanted to see them, he wanted to see them more than anything and I was so scared. He was so sick and going downhill so fast...all I knew was when he wanted them there, needed them there that day, they had to get to us some way. We didn't know that would be the afternoon, late afternoon, that we got the news... we thought we still had another day.

I was in shock, yet I already knew. Does that make any sense? As soon as the first time Cody had an appt with his PCP because of several different little unusual things and he was gone for hours and then called to tell me he was on his way home and what he found out "wasn't good", but he didn't want to tell me over the phone, he just wanted to wait until he got home, that tight horrible knot in my stomach came up and wouldn't go away. Cody's PCP being concerned of this, of that, but his symptoms were also "along the lines of leukemia." I went to the Internet. What I found was a list of symptoms, to which Cody had almost every one....that knot in my stomach got tighter.

Cody spent the month of September in the hospital. He was on this floor, on that floor and then spent quite some time in CCU. I can remember it so vividly, which I know it's not that far back, but I don't think I'll ever forget. Cody, being so blessed, doesn't remember much of anything. I know many think just because that's how sick he was or because of the time he was on the ventilator, or because of this, that or the other, but I know that this is just another blessing from God!

I can only recall so much at a time without totally losing it! Everyone told me how strong I was at the time, some thought I was in denial and some may have thought I wasn't feeling or acting the way I should. I don't really know and to be honest, I don't really care. Never judge someone. I wish I could put into words what all of this did to me then or does to me now, but there aren't the words there. Maybe there will be someday or maybe there won't ever be. How can you put such an occurrence in your life of this proportion and timing into words?

Cody and I had been married for 6 years in June. We had also just had our baby girl, our second child, that month. Our oldest was only 16 months at the time, our son. They are true blessings and miracles! Maybe another time I can speak more about that. Cody was having such a hard time with jobs, etc, and our lives were stressed to the MAX! Even though you think you know what's really important in life, or maybe you truly do, it's sure easy not to act it out, not to truly wholeheartedly cherish what we should. I know many tried to imagine and most said they couldn't even imagine what I was going through. A new baby, a "toddler" but really still my baby boy and a husband fighting for his life. I practically lived in that hospital. I had to prioritize real quick. I prayed and became closer to God than I have ever been in my whole life. I have vowed for that not to change. God was and is my strength.

Once Cody got off the ventilator and was determined to prove to them that he was ready to come home, the times that he does remember...he kept telling me how he just wanted to get back to our "normal" lives. He just wanted to get things back to "normal." You know, I had known when his diagnosis came, that the "normal" we knew would never be again. It's sad in such a way that words can't express, yet joyous at the same time, to be able to redefine "normal"...together. Even though things will never be what they once were, they can be even better! Cody is a living miracle. According to some of the specialists and statistics after what happened and what he went through, he shouldn't be here. God is in control. Dr's, specialists, statistics- they don't allow for miracles. With God, all things are possible! So, in a sense, we have literally gotten a second chance. I feel so very blessed because I have 3 miracles in my life: Cody, Zane & Kadee